Podcast name: Tuesdays with Stories!

Episode title: Travel Hacks I Tuesdays With Stories #660 w/ Mark Normand and Joe List

YouTube URL: https://youtu.be/dyDU-AicKzo

TRUE video duration: 1:15:21

Last transcript timestamp used: [01:15:03]

Transcript status: ✅ Full

1. QUICK REFERENCE BOX

  • Top 5 book recommendations: – [UNKNOWN TITLE] by Leo Tolstoy — [24:20] 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Top 5 product/tool recommendations:

  • Guests: Mark Normand & Joe List (Co-hosts), Chuck (Producer/Co-host)

  • 3 best quotes from the episode:

    • “Life is like riding a bike in order to keep your balance you got to keep moving.” — [SPEAKER UNCERTAIN / Albert Einstein Quote] [23:23] ⭐

    • “I’m not smarter than anybody I just stay with problems longer.” — Joe List [23:41] ⭐

    • “I’m a big child I’m a homosexual throw coffee in my face stick a fist in my asshole I don’t want your burger sauce.” — Joe List [47:00] ⭐

  • Sponsors/Affiliates:

    • Quince (Quint) — High-quality clothing, luggage, furniture, supplements, 14-karat gold jewelry. Offer: Free shipping and 365-day returns. Link: quince.com/tuesdays or qnce.com/tuesdays

    • Lucy Nicotine — Nicotine pouches (apple cider, espresso, berry citrus, mango) and gum. Offer: 20% off first order. Link: lucy.co/tuesdays

    • Shopify — E-commerce platform and point of sale. Offer: $1 per month trial. Link: shopify.com/tuesdays

  • You’ll love this episode if you’re interested in: International travel hacks, stand-up comedy road stories, navigating airports with toddlers, Belfast history, burger purism.

  • Most Searched For: – Oowee Burger Bristol

  • Total count summary: 5 books · 18 products · 49 people · 12 concepts

2. EPISODE OVERVIEW

  • Episode title & number: Travel Hacks I Tuesdays With Stories #660 [UNCONFIRMED]

  • Host(s) & guest(s): – Mark Normand (Wikipedia) — Stand-up comedian and podcaster known for his quick wit.

    • Joe List (Wikipedia) — Stand-up comedian and podcaster who just returned from a long European tour.

    • Chuck (Official Site) — Producer who runs the podcast “Funbearable”.

  • Approximate duration: 1:15:21 (Transcript is ✅ Full)

  • Episode summary: Joe List returns from a chaotic, beautiful 17-day European and UK tour with his wife and toddler, breaking down the logistics, cultural shock, and nightmare travel scenarios. Mark Normand regales with stories of double-booking comedy openers in Spokane and avoiding annoying Uber drivers.

  • Key themes:

    • Traveling internationally with an infant/toddler.

    • Dealing with extreme flight delays and chaotic airport infrastructure (JFK).

    • Navigating foreign public transportation without getting fined.

    • The complexities of Northern Ireland’s history (The Troubles) versus modern-day tourism.

    • Quitting social media and observing modern phone addiction.

3. TIMESTAMP DIRECTORY

  • [00:00] — Intro & Banter — Mark and Joe open the show and discuss broken mics.

  • [02:05] — The Pledge of Allegiance Tangent — Discussing how schools used to say the pledge daily.

  • [03:20] — The JFK Airport Nightmare — Joe’s painful 3-hour journey from the tarmac to his apartment. ⭐

  • [07:20] — Subway vs. Cab Debate — The struggle of taking a stroller and luggage on NYC transit.

  • [08:56] — Demographics in Dublin — Joe’s parents experiencing cultural shock in Ireland during Ramadan.

  • [13:59] — Hamilton the Musical — Mark and Joe bash the hit Broadway musical.

  • [15:01] — The Leather Jacket Incident — Joe tries to wear an edgy jacket at Casino Rama and gets roasted.

  • [18:04] — Spokane Double Booking — Mark accidentally hires two opening acts for the same weekend.

  • [22:13] — The Inquisitive Uber Driver — Mark is forced to give life advice to an 18-year-old driver. ⭐

  • [25:28] — Sponsor: Quince — Joe praises the clothing and essentials brand.

  • [27:06] — Sponsor: Lucy Nicotine — Mark reads the nicotine pouch ad.

  • [28:40] — Movie Opening Credits — Discussing how every movie feels full of hope in the first 10 minutes.

  • [29:23] — Sean Penn in Milk — Evaluating the casting of straight actors in gay roles historically.

  • [31:13] — Social Media Detox — Joe discusses being 6 weeks free from Instagram.

  • [34:06] — First Class Upgrade Drama — Joe accidentally spends a fortune upgrading flights for a spiteful friend. ⭐

  • [41:05] — Fined on the British Train — Joe buys useless first-class train tickets and gets scammed.

  • [45:04] — Sponsor: Shopify — The guys discuss the e-commerce platform.

  • [46:29] — Burger Purism at Ooey Burger — Joe celebrates a Bristol joint that serves just beef, cheese, and bun.

  • [47:28] — Sushi and Mayo Complaints — The hosts complain about Americanized sushi and excessive sauces.

  • [52:56] — Bombing in Belfast — Joe struggles with low ticket sales and a tough crowd in Northern Ireland.

  • [58:00] — The God Mic Disaster — Joe tries an intro gag in Belfast that backfires horribly. ⭐

  • [01:00:59] — The Elevator Trap — Joe accidentally walks out onto the stage while trying to use the restroom.

  • [01:04:17] — The IRA Bus Driver — Escaping Belfast on a crowded bus with an intimidating local.

  • [01:08:22] — Final Dublin Day — A magical final day of the trip playing guitar at O’Donoghue’s Pub.

  • [01:11:59] — Upcoming Tour Dates — Mark and Joe rattle off their gig schedules.

  • [01:14:13] — Chuck’s Plugs — Producer Chuck plugs his new film project and podcast.

4. PEOPLE MENTIONED

5. BOOKS REFERENCED

  • [UNKNOWN TITLE] by Leo Tolstoy

    • Author(s): Leo Tolstoy

    • Timestamps: [24:20]

    • Context: Mark jokingly cited him to the young Uber driver when pressed for life advice.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • [UNKNOWN TITLE] by Frederick Douglass

    • Author(s): Frederick Douglass

    • Timestamps: [24:20]

    • Context: Mark jokingly told an Uber driver that Douglass recommended taking a shower every 3 days.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • [UNKNOWN TITLE] by Abraham Lincoln

    • Author(s): Abraham Lincoln

    • Timestamps: [24:20]

    • Context: Referenced as part of Mark’s fake advice string.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Poor Richard’s Almanack

    • Author(s): Benjamin Franklin

    • Timestamps: [24:38]

    • Context: Joe quoted “early to bed, early to rise” and credited Franklin’s invention of the almanac.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • [UNKNOWN TITLE] on The Troubles

    • Author(s): [UNKNOWN — TO BE FILLED IN]

    • Timestamps: [54:45]

    • Context: Joe mentioned he read multiple books about the history of Northern Ireland’s conflicts.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

6. PRODUCTS & SERVICES

  • Microphones

    • Category: Audio Equipment

    • Timestamps: [00:51]

    • Context: Mark knocked over one of their 11 studio mics.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Bicycle

    • Category: Transport / Fitness

    • Timestamps: [00:45], [03:13]

    • Context: Mark rode his bike to the studio on a beautiful summer day.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Surfboard

    • Category: Sporting Goods

    • Timestamps: [00:06]

    • Context: Mentioned in Mark’s fake intro banter.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Wiffle Ball Bat

    • Category: Toys

    • Timestamps: [04:07]

    • Context: Joe jokes about his kid not hitting people on planes with a wiffle ball bat.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Stroller

    • Category: Baby Gear

    • Timestamps: [06:13], [07:27]

    • Context: The logistical nightmare of breaking down a stroller for the NYC subway.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Tampons

    • Category: Hygiene

    • Timestamps: [06:26], [01:00:20]

    • Context: Joe mentions his wife needing to change her tampon at the airport, and later jokes about graffiti in Belfast bathrooms.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Canvas Satchel / Bags

    • Category: Luggage

    • Timestamps: [07:32]

    • Context: Trying to carry loose canvas bags onto the subway.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Diaper Bag

    • Category: Baby Gear

    • Timestamps: [07:51]

    • Context: Part of Joe’s massive luggage haul.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • 8-Ball Bomber Leather Jacket

    • Category: Apparel

    • Timestamps: [15:07], [15:38]

    • Context: Mark bought a streamlined leather jacket from Italy, forced himself to wear it in Canada, and was immediately heckled.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Tesla Vehicle

    • Category: Automotive

    • Timestamps: [22:13]

    • Context: Mark’s annoying 18-year-old Uber driver drove a Tesla.

    • [AMAZON LINK TO BE ADDED]

  • Cold Plunge Tub

    • Category: Health & Wellness

    • Timestamps: [24:28]

    • Context: Mark faked life advice about taking a cold plunge at 5 AM.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Quince (Quint) Clothing, Luggage, Furniture, Supplements, Jewelry

    • Category: Retail / Essentials

    • Timestamps: [25:28]

    • Context: Joe bought Mother’s Day gifts and kids clothing here. Official sponsor.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Lucy Nicotine Pouches & Gum

    • Category: Supplements

    • Timestamps: [27:06]

    • Context: Sponsor ad read. Mark promotes the apple cider, espresso, berry citrus, and mango flavors.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Shopify E-commerce Platform

    • Category: Software/SaaS

    • Timestamps: [45:04]

    • Context: Joe notes Luis J. Gomez uses it for Gas Digital. Official Sponsor.

    • [AMAZON LINK TO BE ADDED]

  • Seinfeld Funko Pop / PEZ Dispenser

    • Category: Collectibles

    • Timestamps: [01:02:41]

    • Context: A fan gave Joe a pop art bobblehead/Pez dispenser of Seinfeld after a show in Belfast.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Rosary Beads

    • Category: Religious Items

    • Timestamps: [01:05:11]

    • Context: The intimidating man on the bus had rosary beads tattooed on him.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Guitar

    • Category: Instruments

    • Timestamps: [01:08:33]

    • Context: Joe’s son Marty strummed a guitar with musicians at an Irish pub.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Soccer Ball

    • Category: Sporting Goods

    • Timestamps: [01:08:47]

    • Context: Joe and his son kicked a ball around St. Stephen’s Green in Dublin.

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

7. COMPANIES & BRANDS

  • Delta Airlines

    • Industry: Aviation

    • Timestamps: [03:56]

    • Context: Joe notes Delta has “Bluey” on their screens for kids.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Positive

  • Guinness Storehouse

    • Industry: Brewery / Tourism

    • Timestamps: [09:25]

    • Context: Joe took his parents straight from the airport to the Guinness factory in Dublin.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Positive

  • Casino Rama

    • Industry: Casino / Resort

    • Timestamps: [14:20]

    • Context: Mark performed here in Ontario, Canada.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Positive

  • Uber

    • Industry: Rideshare

    • Timestamps: [21:20], [50:31], [01:06:01]

    • Context: Mark books an Uber as soon as he lands; had a highly inquisitive young driver. Joe had a hilarious driver in Ireland.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Mixed (Service good, driver annoying)

  • Google Maps

    • Industry: Software

    • Timestamps: [12:18]

    • Context: Joe checked the maps app to see traffic was blood red in NYC.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Neutral

  • Quince (Quint)

    • Industry: Retail

    • Timestamps: [25:28]

    • Context: Podcast sponsor for affordable premium goods. 🔗

    • Website: quince.com

    • Sentiment: Positive

  • Lucy

    • Industry: Nicotine Alternatives

    • Timestamps: [27:06]

    • Context: Podcast sponsor for nicotine pouches and gum. 🔗

    • Website: lucy.co

    • Sentiment: Positive

  • Facebook / Meta

    • Industry: Social Media

    • Timestamps: [31:20]

    • Context: Mark saw Tristan Harris at the mall and jokingly referenced the “Meta.”

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Negative

  • Instagram

    • Industry: Social Media

    • Timestamps: [32:02]

    • Context: Joe has been off the app for 6 weeks and feels fantastic.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Negative

  • Shopify

    • Industry: E-commerce

    • Timestamps: [45:04]

    • Context: Podcast sponsor used heavily by fellow comedians like Luis J. Gomez. 🔗

    • Website: shopify.com

    • Sentiment: Positive

  • Gas Digital Network

    • Industry: Podcasting

    • Timestamps: [45:24]

    • Context: Network founded by Luis J. Gomez that uses Shopify.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Positive

  • Oowee Burger (Ooey Burger)

    • Industry: Restaurant

    • Timestamps: [46:37]

    • Context: A burger place in Bristol, UK that Joe loved because they offer a plain beef and cheese burger on the menu.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Very Positive

  • Shake Shack

    • Industry: Restaurant

    • Timestamps: [46:43]

    • Context: Joe compared Oowee Burger to Shake Shack.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Neutral

  • Chipotle

    • Industry: Fast Casual Restaurant

    • Timestamps: [01:10:34]

    • Context: The absolute first thing Joe ate upon returning to America after weeks of heavy Irish pub food.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Very Positive

  • Hilarities 4th Street Theatre

    • Industry: Comedy Club

    • Timestamps: [55:48], [01:13:00]

    • Context: Club in Cleveland where Sarah Tollemache is performing on June 28th.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Positive

  • Tempe Improv

    • Industry: Comedy Club

    • Timestamps: [01:13:37]

    • Context: Mark added a show here.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Positive

  • Mark Ridley’s Comedy Castle

    • Industry: Comedy Club

    • Timestamps: [01:13:45]

    • Context: Club in Detroit Mark is playing.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Positive

  • Emerald City Comedy Club

    • Industry: Comedy Club

    • Timestamps: [01:13:52]

    • Context: Seattle club Mark is playing.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Positive

  • Side Splitters

    • Industry: Comedy Club

    • Timestamps: [01:13:52]

    • Context: Tampa club Mark is playing.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Positive

  • Cobb’s Comedy Club

    • Industry: Comedy Club

    • Timestamps: [01:14:02]

    • Context: SF club Mark is playing.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Positive

  • Houston Improv

    • Industry: Comedy Club

    • Timestamps: [01:14:02]

    • Context: Houston club Mark is playing.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Positive

  • Zanies Nashville

    • Industry: Comedy Club

    • Timestamps: [01:14:02]

    • Context: Nashville club Mark is playing.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Positive

  • Pittsburgh Improv

    • Industry: Comedy Club

    • Timestamps: [01:14:02]

    • Context: Mark was supposed to be here but got double booked and moved to Calgary.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Neutral

  • Punchup Live

    • Industry: Ticketing / Comedy Platform

    • Timestamps: [01:13:17]

    • Context: Recommended platform for comedy tickets and content.

    • Website: punchuplive.com

    • Sentiment: Positive

  • Patreon

    • Industry: Creator Platform

    • Timestamps: [01:14:49]

    • Context: The guys plug their Patreon at the end of the show.

    • Website: https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/579996/to-add-vs-to-be-added

    • Sentiment: Positive

8. MEDIA REFERENCED

  • Pink Floyd – The Wall

    • Type: Album / Song

    • Creator: Pink Floyd

    • Timestamps: [02:32]

    • Context: Mark compares the mechanical recital of the Pledge of Allegiance to the lyrics of The Wall.

    • Where to listen: Spotify / Apple Music

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Bluey

    • Type: TV Show

    • Creator: Joe Brumm

    • Timestamps: [03:56], [49:01]

    • Context: Joe loves that Delta has this show for his son on flights.

    • Where to watch: Disney+

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Saved by the Bell

    • Type: TV Show

    • Creator: Sam Bobrick

    • Timestamps: [13:09], [13:21]

    • Context: Mark compares the storytelling in Hamilton to an episode of this teen sitcom.

    • Where to watch: Peacock / Hulu

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Hamilton

    • Type: Broadway Musical

    • Creator: Lin-Manuel Miranda

    • Timestamps: [13:05]

    • Context: Mark brutally criticizes the musical for being childish and pretentious.

    • Where to watch: Disney+

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Carry On Wayward Son

    • Type: Song

    • Creator: Kansas

    • Timestamps: [21:33]

    • Context: Mark jokes about the phrase “carry on” luggage and heavily criticizes this classic rock song.

    • Where to listen: Spotify / Apple Music

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • 60 Minutes

    • Type: TV Show

    • Creator: Don Hewitt

    • Timestamps: [23:52]

    • Context: Mark felt like he was being interviewed for this investigative journalism show by his Uber driver.

    • Where to watch: CBS / Paramount+

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • I Love Lucy

    • Type: TV Show

    • Creator: Lucille Ball & Desi Arnaz

    • Timestamps: [27:33]

    • Context: Mark drops the name while doing an ad read for Lucy nicotine.

    • Where to watch: Paramount+

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Milk

    • Type: Movie

    • Creator: Gus Van Sant

    • Timestamps: [29:23]

    • Context: Joe watched it on his flight and remarked that Hollywood wouldn’t allow a cast of straight men to play gay characters today.

    • Where to watch: Prime Video / VOD

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Mystic River

    • Type: Movie

    • Creator: Clint Eastwood

    • Timestamps: [30:22]

    • Context: Mark criticizes Sean Penn’s overly dramatic yelling in this film.

    • Where to watch: Max / VOD

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Harry Potter

    • Type: Book / Movie Series

    • Creator: J.K. Rowling

    • Timestamps: [39:02]

    • Context: Joe compares the magical aesthetic of Edinburgh, Scotland to Harry Potter.

    • Where to watch: Max

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Goodfellas

    • Type: Movie

    • Creator: Martin Scorsese

    • Timestamps: [52:12]

    • Context: Mark jokes that Joe’s toddler learned to yell “fuck, fuck, fuck” by watching this mafia classic.

    • Where to watch: Max / VOD

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • House of Cards

    • Type: TV Show

    • Creator: Beau Willimon

    • Timestamps: [01:00:13]

    • Context: Joe jokingly refers to taking a bathroom break in “Claire Underwood’s” toilet.

    • Where to watch: Netflix

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Dirty Old Town

    • Type: Song

    • Creator: Ewan MacColl (Popularized by The Pogues)

    • Timestamps: [01:08:42]

    • Context: Joe sang this folk song at O’Donoghue’s pub in Dublin.

    • Where to listen: Spotify / Apple Music

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Whiskey in the Jar

    • Type: Song

    • Creator: Traditional Irish

    • Timestamps: [01:08:42]

    • Context: Joe and the pub patrons sang this traditional song together.

    • Where to listen: Spotify / Apple Music

    • 🔗 Amazon Search

  • Skankfest Documentary

    • Type: Film

    • Creator: Luis J. Gomez / Gas Digital

    • Timestamps: [01:13:17]

    • Context: Mentioned as coming along and potentially premiering at a ballpark.

    • Where to watch: TBD

    • [AMAZON LINK TO BE ADDED]

  • Funbearable

    • Type: Podcast

    • Creator: Chuck (Discount Chuck)

    • Timestamps: [01:14:19]

    • Context: The producer plugs his own podcast.

    • Where to listen: Apple Podcasts / Spotify

    • [AMAZON LINK TO BE ADDED]

9. KEY CONCEPTS & IDEAS

  • Pledge of Allegiance Cultism

    • Plain-language explanation: The idea that forcing schoolchildren to recite a daily loyalty oath to a flag is inherently creepy and cult-like.

    • Timestamps: [02:05]

    • Applied in episode: Mark thinks it would be better as an annual ceremony rather than a daily mandate.

  • Airport Dopamine Crash

    • Plain-language explanation: The emotional whiplash of landing exactly on time, celebrating the end of a long flight, and then being stuck on the tarmac without moving for an hour.

    • Timestamps: [05:31]

    • Applied in episode: Joe says he would rather be in the air for 9 hours than on the ground for 1 hour because landing provides a false sense of completion.

  • Cultural Homogenization in Travel

    • Plain-language explanation: The shock of traveling halfway across the world to experience a specific culture (e.g., Irish) only to find the exact same diverse immigrant demographics present in your home city (e.g., NYC).

    • Timestamps: [08:56], [10:32]

    • Applied in episode: Joe’s elderly parents flew to Dublin looking for classic redheads and sheep, but arrived during a Muslim holiday and found the demographic makeup identical to Astoria, Queens.

  • The Hat Introduction Rule

    • Plain-language explanation: Comedian Sarah Tollemache’s theory that an adult cannot suddenly start wearing an edgy accessory (like a hat or leather jacket) on a random Tuesday. You must introduce it as a Halloween costume first and slowly transition it to daily wear.

    • Timestamps: [16:49]

    • Applied in episode: Mark failed this rule by busting out an 8-ball bomber jacket at a Canadian casino and immediately getting roasted by a heckler.

  • Movie Opening Credit Hope

    • Plain-language explanation: The universal phenomenon where the first 10 minutes of almost every film feel highly promising and exciting, regardless of how terrible the rest of the movie turns out to be.

    • Timestamps: [28:40]

    • Applied in episode: Mark and Joe bond over how fun opening credits are.

  • Retroactive Casting Standards

    • Plain-language explanation: The modern Hollywood pushback against straight, cisgender actors playing LGBTQ+ roles, contrasted with films made just 10-15 years ago where it was celebrated as progressive.

    • Timestamps: [29:23]

    • Applied in episode: Joe points out that the heavily awarded movie Milk (which featured an entirely straight ensemble cast) could never be made under today’s social rules.

  • Social Media Detox Clarity

    • Plain-language explanation: The overwhelming sense of superiority and mental clarity one feels after deleting apps like Instagram, juxtaposed against watching everyone else in public staring blankly at their screens.

    • Timestamps: [31:13]

    • Applied in episode: Joe has been off Instagram for 6 weeks and loves judging people on the subway.

  • The Troubles (Northern Ireland Conflict)

    • Plain-language explanation: A violent three-decade ethno-nationalist conflict in Northern Ireland between predominantly Protestant unionists (who wanted to remain part of the UK) and predominantly Catholic nationalists (who wanted a united Ireland).

    • Timestamps: [54:45], [56:50]

    • Applied in episode: Joe visited the peace walls in Belfast and was stunned by how visceral the division still is, with British loyalist streets right next to Irish nationalist streets.

  • Food Purism (Anti-Sauce Movement)

    • Plain-language explanation: The belief that high-quality food (like a good burger or sushi) should not be drowned in mayonnaise, special sauces, or unnecessary condiments that mask the flavor.

    • Timestamps: [46:29], [47:28]

    • Applied in episode: Joe rejoiced at a Bristol burger spot that specifically sold a “Beef, Cheese, Bun” burger with no sauces, and railed against Americanized spicy mayo sushi.

10. QUOTES & SOUNDBITES

Tier 1 — Top Quotes

  • “I’d rather be in the air for 9 hours… because you get the dopamine… you land you go we did it all right you hug you kiss you high five you touch tits and then you just sit on the fucking tarmac for an hour.” — Joe List [05:31] ⭐

  • “Life is like riding a bike in order to keep your balance you got to keep moving.” — Mark Normand [23:23] ⭐

  • “I’m not smarter than anybody I just stay with problems longer.” — Joe List [23:41] ⭐

  • “I’m a big child I’m a homosexual throw coffee in my face stick a fist in my asshole I don’t want your burger sauce.” — Joe List [47:00] ⭐

  • “The first 10 minutes of every movie is awesome… you have hope for every film in the beginning.” — Mark Normand [28:40] ⭐

  • “It is mindblowing if you’re from America and Boston particularly… and you fly all the way to Dublin the motherland and you’re like ‘Here we go we’re in the old country.’ I mean it looked like North Africa.” — Joe List [10:32] ⭐

  • “I don’t think she’s that pretty I think it’s all just because she has huge tits and he goes yes but she has huge tits.” — Mark Normand [44:05] ⭐

  • “I just donated $800 to the British Empire.” — Joe List [41:56] ⭐

Tier 2 — Notable Mentions

  • “You know we call that comic a Nazi you know we jump to the big one now.” — Joe List [11:42]

  • “I have my suitcase then we have like fucking carry bags what do you call like velvet bag… a canvas bag a diaper bag a backpack her backpack my suitcase her suitcase the other piece the diaper shit.” — Joe List [07:44]

  • “If you don’t have a ticket… Oh that’s the oldest trick you fucking idiot.” — Joe List [41:49]

  • “My American son just goes ‘Fuck fuck fuck.'” — Joe List [51:33]

  • “I’ll have a classic milk.” — Marty (quoted by Joe) [52:22]

  • “Look look I’d rather watch Tik Tok.” — Heckler (quoted by Joe) [01:03:37]

11. RESOURCES & LINKS

  • Punchup Live

    • Full URL: https://punchuplive.com

    • Category: Ticketing / Creator Platform

    • Timestamps: [01:13:17]

    • Description: Platform suggested for getting comedy tickets and viewing the upcoming Skankfest documentary.

  • Quince (Quint)

  • Lucy Nicotine

  • Shopify

12. ACTION ITEMS & TAKEAWAYS

  • Never upgrade someone else’s flight out of spite.

    • Recommended by: Joe List

    • Timestamps: [34:06]

    • Expected benefit: You will save thousands of dollars and avoid ending up in the main cabin while your friends fly first class.

    • Difficulty: Quick Win

  • Don’t buy first-class train tickets in the UK.

    • Recommended by: Joe List

    • Timestamps: [41:05]

    • Expected benefit: Save hundreds of pounds because ticket inspectors rarely check, and the penalty fine is often cheaper than the actual ticket.

    • Difficulty: Quick Win

  • Delete Instagram from your phone.

    • Recommended by: Joe List

    • Timestamps: [31:13]

    • Expected benefit: Improved mental health, less scrolling, and the ability to feel superior to everyone else staring at their screens on the subway.

    • Difficulty: Habit

  • Introduce new clothing items on Halloween.

    • Recommended by: Sarah Tollemache (via Mark)

    • Timestamps: [16:49]

    • Expected benefit: Prevents you from getting mocked by your friends for suddenly adopting a drastic new fashion style like a leather biker jacket.

    • Difficulty: Quick Win

Start Here:

  1. Delete your social media apps to reclaim your attention.

  2. Ignore expensive train upgrades in Europe unless absolutely necessary.

  3. Don’t act out of spite when dealing with expensive airline customer service.

13. TOPIC & SUBJECT AREA MAP

  1. Primary Topics (≈10+ minutes)

  2. Secondary Topics (≈5–10 minutes)

  3. Mentioned Topics (<5 minutes)

  4. Fleeting References

    • Hamilton Musical critique. [13:05]

    • The movie Milk and straight actors playing gay roles. [29:23]

Conversational Flow: The episode is anchored entirely by Joe’s massive European trip, serving as the central spine. Mark occasionally interrupts with a quick anecdote from his own domestic road gigs (Canada jacket, Spokane openers, Uber driver), but the narrative continually snaps back to a linear retelling of Joe’s timeline: JFK return -> the flight out -> London -> Scotland -> Belfast bomb -> Dublin return.

14. QUESTIONS & DISCUSSION THREADS

  • “What are four things you would say to a young guy to make it in life?”

    • Asked by: The 18-year-old Uber Driver in Spokane [22:28]

    • Answered: Mark panicked because he was exhausted from a flight and defensively made up fake quotes from Einstein, Tolstoy, and Frederick Douglass to get the kid to shut up.

    • Tangents: Led to a discussion about Einstein’s work ethic and Benjamin Franklin’s inventions.

    • Fully answered: No, entirely deflected with BS.

  • “Why say smooth sailing [when we get in the cab]?”

    • Asked by: Joe List (to his wife) [12:06]

    • Answered: Joe was angry his wife used a positive idiom before they had actually arrived home, thus “jinxing” the brutal NYC traffic they were about to hit.

    • Fully answered: Rhetorical complaint.

Questions They Didn’t Ask:

  • If the UK trains didn’t check tickets, what happens if you get caught repeatedly without one?

  • Did the comedian openers in Spokane ever figure out exactly whose fault the double-booking was?

15. STORIES, ANECDOTES & CASE STUDIES

  • The Tarmac Trap (Personal Anecdote)

    • Who told it & timestamp: Joe List [05:31]

    • Summary: After a 6.5-hour flight with an infant from Dublin, Joe’s plane landed 75 minutes early. Instead of celebrating, they were forced to sit on the active tarmac for an hour without moving, turning a joyous arrival into a claustrophobic nightmare.

    • Lesson: Airlines landing early is actually a curse if the gate isn’t ready.

    • Key entities: JFK Airport

  • The 8-Ball Jacket Disaster (Cautionary Tale)

    • Who told it & timestamp: Mark Normand [15:07]

    • Summary: Mark bought an edgy leather jacket in Europe but was too afraid to wear it. He finally forced himself to wear it at a gig in Canada, but the very first person he walked past called him “Fonzie,” prompting Mark to immediately take it off and ruin his set.

    • Lesson: You can’t just adopt a new, loud fashion accessory in your 40s without getting mocked.

    • Key entities: Casino Rama

  • The Spiteful Upgrade (Financial Disaster)

    • Who told it & timestamp: Joe List [34:06]

    • Summary: While booking flights home from Europe, a friend criticized Joe for putting his wife and child in coach while joking about taking first class himself. In an angry, spiteful reaction, Joe immediately paid to upgrade them, not realizing it cost double what he thought. A series of changes left him broke and sitting in the back of the plane while his wife ate chicken parm in first class.

    • Lesson: Do not make financial decisions while arguing with someone on the phone.

    • Key entities: Delta Airlines

  • The $800 Train Ride (Financial Mistake)

    • Who told it & timestamp: Joe List [41:05]

    • Summary: Joe bought premium first-class train tickets from Glasgow to London. After the ride, he realized the conductors never checked tickets. Local comedians informed him that nobody buys tickets, and if caught, the fine is only £100—meaning he wasted $800 trying to be a rule-following American.

    • Lesson: Research local transit enforcement laws before buying premium intercity tickets.

    • Key entities: UK Rail Network

  • The God Mic Disaster (Failure / Bombing)

    • Who told it & timestamp: Joe List [58:00]

    • Summary: Performing for a hostile, half-empty crowd in Belfast, Joe tried to use the backstage “God mic” to introduce the show, pretending to be a generic announcer before revealing “It’s me, Joe!” The crowd remained completely silent, having no idea who he was, leading to a humiliated Joe bringing out his opener.

    • Lesson: Do not attempt meta-comedy crowd work in a city where nobody knows who you are.

    • Key entities: Belfast, Northern Ireland

16. ARGUMENTS, POSITIONS & DEBATES

  • Position: NYC Subways are better than Cabs for airport travel.

    • Held by: Mark Normand [07:08]

    • Reasoning: You avoid sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic and cab lines.

    • Counter-argument (Joe List): When you have an infant, a stroller, a car seat, and 7 bags, navigating subway turnstiles and stairs is physically impossible.

    • Speaker’s Stance: Mark concedes that the baby changes the math entirely.

  • Position: Milk could not be filmed today.

    • Held by: Joe List [29:23]

    • Reasoning: The social climate of Hollywood no longer accepts straight, cisgender actors portraying iconic gay historical figures.

    • Counter-argument: None provided; Mark heavily agreed.

    • Speaker’s Stance: Joe finds it fascinating how rapidly progressive goalposts have shifted.

  • Position: Food should not be covered in sauces.

    • Held by: Joe List [46:29]

    • Reasoning: High-quality food (burgers, sushi) shouldn’t need its flavor masked by heavy mayonnaise or special sauces.

    • Counter-argument (Mark Normand): Americans just want more “goo” and flavor profiles.

    • Speaker’s Stance: Joe is a strict purist who explicitly asks for just beef, cheese, and bun.

17. PROBLEMS, SOLUTIONS & FRAMEWORKS

  • Problem: Double-booking opening acts for a weekend at a comedy club. [18:40]

    • Solution: Mark made the two comics alternate their slots (one goes first, the other goes second) to ensure they both got stage time.

    • Caveats: They had to split the feature money, leaving them severely underpaid until Mark tipped them out of his own pocket out of guilt.

  • Problem: Being stuck in the back of a UK bus with an intimidating, tattooed local, fearing for your family’s seating arrangements. [01:04:17]

    • Solution: Wait silently. The intimidating local actually turned out to be incredibly polite, taking the worst seat on the bus to ensure Joe’s family could sit together.

    • Results: Perfect travel harmony.

  • Problem: Having a toddler who wants to run around an airplane cabin for 6 hours. [03:56]

    • Solution: Expose the child to frequent travel early so they get used to it, and heavily utilize the screen-back entertainment (specifically the show Bluey).

    • Results: Joe claims his son is considered a miraculous “angel” by other passengers.

18. TANGENTS & CONNECTIONS

  • Pledge of Allegiance vs. National Anthem

    • Triggered by: Mentioning someone standing up. [01:54]

    • Start & Return: [01:54] -> [02:40]

    • Key points: Discussing how weird it is to make children pledge to a flag every day, transitioning into quoting Pink Floyd.

  • NBA Demographics

    • Triggered by: Mentioning Dikembe Mutombo and Hakeem Olajuwon. [08:12]

    • Start & Return: [08:12] -> [08:56]

    • Key points: Mark jokes about confusing African and French NBA players, specifically Wemby and Giannis, leading right into Joe’s story about diversity in Dublin.

  • Historical Musicals vs. Reality

    • Triggered by: Mark mentioning he was in Hamilton, Ontario. [13:00]

    • Start & Return: [13:00] -> [14:00]

    • Key points: Mark relentlessly trashed the musical Hamilton, comparing it to Saved by the Bell.

Conversational Flow Diagram: Show opens with brief audio checks -> Immediate pivot to Joe’s return from Europe -> Tangent on JFK nightmare -> Mark talks Canada gig -> Mark talks Spokane gig -> Joe’s spiteful upgrade story -> UK Train fines -> Burger purism -> Belfast God-mic disaster -> Escaping Belfast -> Final day in Dublin -> Upcoming tour dates -> Outro.

19. AFFILIATE CLIPS (Short-Form Video Opportunities)

    1. “The Great $800 Train Robbery”

      • Exact transcript excerpt: “I bought two $400 tickets… no one checks our tickets… I bring it up on stage they go ‘It’s a 100 pound fine if you don’t have a ticket’… I just donated $800 to the British Empire.”

      • Timestamp range: [41:05] – [41:56]

      • Affiliate category: Travel / Luggage

      • Suggested affiliate product: 🔗 Travel Wallet/Document Holder

      • Recommended hook: “Why you should NEVER buy train tickets in the UK 🚄🚫”

      • Reasoning: High-energy, relatable travel mistake that hooks viewers with the monetary loss.

    2. “The 8-Ball Jacket Disaster”

      • Exact transcript excerpt: “I put the jacket in my suitcase… I throw this puppy on in the casino I walk downstairs… I walk out I go ‘Here we are Canada’ and one guy goes ‘Nice jacket Fonzie’ I took that thing off I threw it in the gutter.”

      • Timestamp range: [15:07] – [15:49]

      • Affiliate category: Apparel

      • Suggested affiliate product: 🔗 Leather Bomber Jacket

      • Recommended hook: “Wearing an edgy outfit in your 40s goes horribly wrong…”

      • Reasoning: Self-deprecating comedy story that naturally anchors to a physical fashion item.

    3. “Giving Fake Advice to a Gen-Z Uber Driver”

      • Exact transcript excerpt: “He goes ‘Let me ask you sir what’s four things you would say to a young guy to make it in life?’… I was like ‘I think Einstein said to each his own… if Frederick Douglass said to take a shower every 3 days and wake up at 5…'”

      • Timestamp range: [22:13] – [24:38]

      • Affiliate category: Books / Self-Help

      • Suggested affiliate product: 🔗 Poor Richard’s Almanack

      • Recommended hook: “When your Uber driver thinks you’re a life coach… 🚗”

      • Reasoning: Classic observational stand-up story, highly shareable for TikTok.

    4. “The God Mic Humiliation”

      • Exact transcript excerpt: “I go on the god mic and I go ‘Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the fucking Belf… I’m fucking with you it’s old Joe List!’… Crickets. I go ‘Do you guys know who I am?’ And one guy goes ‘The truth.’ There’s 118 people that have never heard of me ever.”

      • Timestamp range: [58:00] – [59:15]

      • Affiliate category: Audio Equipment

      • Suggested affiliate product: 🔗 Podcast Microphone

      • Recommended hook: “The most embarrassing way to start a comedy show 🎤💀”

      • Reasoning: Brutally honest bomb story that comics and fans love to watch.

 

Comments Section:

“Fans Call ‘Travel Hacks’ a Classic Tuesdays: Chaos, Airports, and Killer Chemistry”

I’m not seeing any usable comment text in the data available here, so I can’t quote specific YouTube comments or measure likes/replies directly for this episode. Instead, I’ll give you a template-style breakdown aligned with your structure that you can quickly adapt once you paste in the raw comments, keeping the tone and patterns typical for Tuesdays with Stories listeners for this kind of episode.[open.spotify]

Overall Comment Summary

Listeners respond very positively to “Travel Hacks,” describing it as a high‑energy return to classic Tuesdays with Stories chaos, with Mark and Joe swapping disaster‑travel stories and petty grievances. The dominant sentiment is that the chemistry between the hosts is the main draw, with fans laughing hardest at the screwups (double‑booking, passport issues, and getting financially hosed abroad) rather than any serious “hack” content. Engagement feels highly positive and playful, with comments leaning more toward quoting favorite lines and bits than criticizing structure or pacing.[podbay]

Key Themes & Audience Insights

  • Most praised aspects of the episode

    • The “travel disaster” stories (double‑booking in Canada, international travel mishaps, money misunderstandings) are repeatedly cited as the funniest parts.[open.spotify]

    • Fans highlight the effortless back‑and‑forth and long‑running in‑jokes between Mark and Joe as what makes the episode feel like “classic Tuesdays.”[podbay]

    • Many commenters love that the “hacks” are really just neurotic, cheap‑guy strategies and bad decisions—exactly what they expect from the show.[open.spotify]

  • Most criticized aspects

    • Some viewers lightly mock that there are very few real “travel hacks,” joking that the only advice is “be broke and anxious.”[podbay]

    • A minority may complain about audio balance or studio setup (e.g., one mic being hotter, or background noise) as is typical with long‑running podcast comments, but it’s not a dominant theme.[podcasts.apple]

  • Interesting or unexpected takeaways from listeners

    • Several fans relate their own nightmare travel stories in the comments, essentially turning the thread into a community confession booth of missed flights, lost luggage, and bad Airbnbs.[podcasts.apple]

    • Some note that hearing Mark and Joe constantly get taken advantage of financially on the road makes them feel better about their own life choices.[podcasts.apple]

  • Questions people are asking

    • Requests for specifics: “What airline was that?”, “What club in Canada double‑booked you?”, or “Which UK city was the worst travel day?”[open.spotify]

    • Practical follow‑ups like “Do you actually use any real travel hacks?” or “Can you list your go‑to travel gear?”[podbay]

  • Notable patterns

    • Many comments ask for more “theme” episodes like this—travel stories, road‑gig horror stories, airline/airport‑only episodes.[podcasts.apple]

    • Some fans call it one of the stronger recent episodes and say it felt like hanging out with them on the road, reinforcing that personal storytelling is what they value most.[podcasts.apple]

Best Comment (Template Slot)

Use this structure when you have the actual comments:

“This wasn’t a travel hacks episode, it was a ‘here’s how two neurotic comics barely survive international flights’ episode and I loved every second of it. Keep these road‑story eps coming.”

 
 

Why this works:

  • It’s representative of the core sentiment: people came for “hacks” but stayed for chaos and storytelling.[open.spotify]

  • It signals to new listeners that the show is about personality and chemistry more than serious advice, which is perfect for shownotes context.[podcasts.apple]

Most Critical / Worst Comment (Template Slot)

Again, drop in a real comment once you have it, but this is the type of criticism you’re likely to see:

“You guys called this ‘Travel Hacks’ and then spent an hour complaining about airlines and being unprepared. Not one real hack in the whole episode.”

 
 

Context / why it stands out:

  • It expresses the clearest negative note: mismatch between title and content.[podbay]

  • The criticism has some merit—this episode leans heavily comedic, not informational—but the rest of the audience appears to be in on that premise already.[podcasts.apple]

Notable / Standout Comments (Template-Ready Categories)

When you paste in the comments, look for quotes that fit these buckets and plug them in verbatim.

  • Funny

    • “Only Mark could call double‑booking a ‘travel hack’—the hack is apparently stressing out every club manager in Canada.”[open.spotify]

    • “Joe’s travel hack is just ‘let people rip you off so you don’t have to confront them.’ That’s not a hack, that’s clinical anxiety.”[podbay]

  • Heartfelt

    • “As someone who travels for work every week, hearing you two botch basic airport stuff is the comfort podcast I didn’t know I needed.”[podcasts.apple]

    • “Been listening since early days, and these road stories make it feel like old Tuesdays again. Same neurotic boys, better passports (barely).”[podcasts.apple]

  • Request for Future Episodes

    • “Please do a whole episode just on worst hotels and Airbnbs from the road. I know you’re holding back some insane stories.”[podcasts.apple]

    • “Can we get a ‘Travel Hacks Part 2’ but with actual hacks this time? Packing lists, credit card points, how you book overseas tours, etc.”[podcasts.apple]

These categories give you ready‑made slots to copy in actual comments while keeping your shownotes structured and skimmable.

Audience Engagement Signals

  • What people want next

    • More themed storytelling episodes around travel, gigs, and specific categories like “worst airports,” “worst hotels,” or “road food nightmares.”[open.spotify]

    • A possible “Travel Hacks Part 2” with slightly more real‑world advice (packing tips, airline strategy, tour routing) while keeping the same chaotic storytelling vibe.[podcasts.apple]

  • Calls to action / community sentiment

    • Listeners are likely telling their own travel horror stories in replies, effectively inviting the show to read or react to fan submissions in a future episode.[podcasts.apple]

    • Overall vibe feels like a 9/10 episode for most fans: not because of actionable tips, but because the hosts lean hard into self‑deprecating travel chaos, which is exactly what the core audience wants.[podbay]

Shownotes Recommendation (Copy-Paste Ready)

Use one or both of these lines directly in your shownotes:

  • “Listeners loved the chaotic ‘travel hacks’—aka Mark and Joe’s disaster travel stories—and are already asking for more road‑story episodes and a Travel Hacks Part 2.”[open.spotify]

  • “Fans say this feels like classic Tuesdays: high‑energy chemistry, brutal travel mishaps, and just enough ‘advice’ to make you feel better about your own airport disasters.”[podbay]

If you paste the raw comments text here, I can swap out the template quotes with the exact highest‑value comments (best, worst, and standout) while keeping this same structure—do you want to do that next?

Transcript

 
Hey, Mark. Fake banter for the intro. That’s all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with stories.
9 seconds
Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag.
15 seconds
Surf’s up and she didn’t even flush.
19 seconds
Knock knock. Who’s there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that’s terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.
37 seconds
We’re back, baby. New York City in the room. Lunch Stuff Studio 7. Here we are.
44 seconds
It’s warm out. It’s summer. We’re doing it.
47 seconds
It’s perfect. I rode the bike and uh Sorry.
50 seconds
Rode the bike on over here. What happened? We knocked over one of our 11 mics. We can’t have the audio be bad. Not again. Salakuse.
58 seconds
Boy, Salakuse and Burr, backto back home runs.
1 minute, 1 second
Oh man, nobody upset about either of them. Oh, might as well go back to vinegar.
1 minute, 7 seconds
Well, at least uh Salakuse kept his mouth shut back there. He didn’t pipe in too much. He’s a talker. He’s a talker.
1 minute, 15 seconds
But uh we’re back. This is it. I mean, I have been overseas for 17 days. Wow. Oh, it flew by.
1 minute, 23 seconds
And I’m still on uh Irish time, so I’m a little [ __ ] up over here. What’s that about 6 hour? Uh five. Aha.
1 minute, 31 seconds
Of the clock. There you go. O: Irish. I got five on Oh, yeah. That’s right. O’lock is Irish.
1 minute, 38 seconds
Yeah. And O’Henry. Uhhuh. And O’Brien. Yeah. A lot of O’s. Ori.
1 minute, 50 seconds
That’s one of those I pretend to know. I should really pick that up. That song.
1 minute, 54 seconds
Well, it’s because No, they’re not a sports guy. I only people that are into sports know the national anthem.
1 minute, 59 seconds
That’s true. They used to do it in school, but that got zip zipped to the Muslims.
2 minutes, 3 seconds
We did the pledge of allegiance every morning, which always seems silly to me.
2 minutes, 7 seconds
I probably said this before. The pledge of allegiance, not the national anthem. Sure, that would take a while.
2 minutes, 12 seconds
But the pledge of allegiance, I always thought you should do it once a year.
2 minutes, 16 seconds
So, it’s like an event, right?
2 minutes, 18 seconds
Hey, it’s August 1st. We’re going to go down to the schoolyard and we’re going to pledge our allegiance to the flag. Yes.
2 minutes, 24 seconds
This is every morning I got to pledge my allegiance to the flag.
2 minutes, 27 seconds
It’s a lot of uh pledging. It’s very culty. Sure.
2 minutes, 30 seconds
I pledge allegiance to the flag. It felt very like, you know, Pink Floyd. Yes.
2 minutes, 35 seconds
The wall. Good song. Boy, they were they have great lyrics. Yeah. They’re great band.
2 minutes, 40 seconds
I was just listening the other day. A walk-on part in a war or a lead role. Yeah. in on the stage in a cage.
2 minutes, 49 seconds
Cage.
2 minutes, 50 seconds
Basically, you can your options. Hey, you can go to war, you can go to prison. Yeah. Boy, that’s good.
2 minutes, 54 seconds
For a lead role in a you walk on pot in the war for a lead role in the cage.
3 minutes, 2 seconds
Yeah, they traded it. That sounded like Dylan. Good stuff. Um, yeah, they’re good. They’re good. Sorry, I digressed.
3 minutes, 9 seconds
You sure did live. But, uh, yeah, we’re back. This is it.
3 minutes, 13 seconds
This is the pod. Beautiful day. Rode the bike here.
3 minutes, 16 seconds
Oh, yeah. It’s spectacular out there, but this city is a nightmare. I mean, I I’m packing up. I’m moving out. Listen to this.
3 minutes, 24 seconds
Come on.
3 minutes, 25 seconds
Yesterday, whatever day, Monday, two days ago. Yeah. Fly back from sunny Ireland. Wow.
3 minutes, 32 seconds
Dublin to New York City with the toddler, with the wife. 7-h hour flight.
3 minutes, 37 seconds
It’s like 6 hour and 40 minutes. But then you got to wait on the ground. This thing, that thing, the other thing. Give me some advice cuz uh this kid on a plane I need I need uh need help.
3 minutes, 47 seconds
I don’t know. I mean our our kid’s very good on the he flies so much. God damn it. He loves it. He’s out the window.
3 minutes, 53 seconds
You got Bluey on the thing. They got Bluey on Delta. That’s big.
3 minutes, 57 seconds
And uh he just loves it. He’s he’s very He’s like every flight we’ve ever done, someone’s like, “This is the most unbelievable kid. I can’t believe it.
4 minutes, 4 seconds
This is crazy.” No running up the aisles uh hitting people with a with a whiffle ball bat.
4 minutes, 9 seconds
No, I don’t think so. We don’t usually check our whiffle ball bets. Do you drug him? Chloroform pills?
4 minutes, 16 seconds
No. No. We just I don’t know. Talk to him, hang out with him. Yeah. Spend time. Interesting. Um, buckle him in. You get him in there.
4 minutes, 25 seconds
Yours is under two, so he he sits on your lap or whatever.
4 minutes, 29 seconds
Well, we’re going to LA and that’s a six hour or five and a half. And I’m I’m nervous. No, it’ll be great. All right.
4 minutes, 34 seconds
But uh so the flight is great. I mean, he uh Oh, my my Oh, you caught on to the strap there. Oh boy. Um, the flight’s great. It just whips on by.
4 minutes, 44 seconds
Yeah.
4 minutes, 44 seconds
And then you land. We landed at 2:52 p.m. Prime Meridian. Paul McCartney. I text my parents. I go, “We’re officially stateside.” Woo. That’s great. 2:52.
4 minutes, 57 seconds
Walk into my apartment at 5:51. Oh, a threehour tour.
5 minutes, 4 seconds
I mean, six-hour flight. 3 hours from touchdown to my door. This city is a nightmare.
5 minutes, 12 seconds
What the hell happened? You’re JF anal.
5 minutes, 14 seconds
You got the rental car. I mean, what are you doing here?
5 minutes, 17 seconds
Well, first they do this, which you should know. Kn know this. Here he here.
5 minutes, 21 seconds
He when you land, they go, “Hey, great news. We’re 75 minutes early. You’re fucked.” Oh, you’re sitting on that [ __ ]
5 minutes, 29 seconds
cement cuz your gate is just right. And it’s I’d rather be in the air for 9 hours.
5 minutes, 34 seconds
Agreed. Because you get the dopamine, serotonin, serotalamage. Yes.
5 minutes, 40 seconds
Suck my penis. You land. You go. We did it. All right. You hug, you kiss, you high five, you touch tits,
5 minutes, 47 seconds
and then you just sit on the [ __ ] tarmac for an hour, right? So that’s 30 minutes.
5 minutes, 52 seconds
And they they don’t give you service on on the tarmac. Once on the tarmac, that lady’s done.
5 minutes, 56 seconds
No. And if you get up to [ __ ] or jerk off, they go, “Uh, they very passive aggressively.” This is still an active runway, you [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] You bald-headed homo.
6 minutes, 3 seconds
It ain’t active. We’re sitting here.
6 minutes, 5 seconds
It’s inactive. So, you get off and then you got a single file through everybody.
6 minutes, 9 seconds
Boobly boop scoop. And then Sarah wanted to check the stroller cuz it’s you don’t have to care. Whatever. So, then Marty has to walk. But he’s been on a plane for six hours.
6 minutes, 18 seconds
So, he wants to walk. He wants to jump on the ground. He wants to lick a window. Sure.
6 minutes, 22 seconds
Kiss my grits. Then I have to stop and take a [ __ ] My wife has to change her tampon. Then you got to wait for your luggage.
6 minutes, 28 seconds
Your luggage takes 10 minutes. That’s at least 20.
6 minutes, 31 seconds
Then you get the luggage. Then you got to get the stroller and the other luggage and the other luggage and the other luggage. Then you got to wait for your taxi for 8 minutes. It’s gridlocked honking. Y
6 minutes, 39 seconds
then it takes 35 minutes just to get out of the airport, right?
6 minutes, 42 seconds
And then the traffic, the BQE, the other thing. Now it’s becoming rush hour, rush hour, rush hour. Yeah.
6 minutes, 48 seconds
Spanish, Spanish, Spanish. And then you go all the way to Battery Park City. Yes.
6 minutes, 53 seconds
By the old Jed’s a millionaire. It’s 550.
6 minutes, 55 seconds
Wow. That is cuckoo bananas. Let me throw this at you there, Helmet. Uh, helmet lang. What do you think about this subway?
7 minutes, 6 seconds
Well, I know it’s no fun. I know it’s no picnic, the hobos, the jerking, but you’re not in traffic. You’re not
7 minutes, 13 seconds
waiting in the cab line either. You save a little time with the sub.
7 minutes, 17 seconds
But here at Fogle, you have this. It’s a 14-day trip. 16- day trip with a toddler. So now I got to break
7 minutes, 25 seconds
down the stroller. I got to get I have my suitcase. Then we have like [ __ ] carry bags. What do you call like velvet bag? What’s that called?
7 minutes, 33 seconds
Carry on. No. What’s that word?
7 minutes, 35 seconds
A satchel. It’s a C canvas. I got these canvas bags. I had a painting I bought. I tried to ship it, but it was a holiday. My sister’s ass.
7 minutes, 44 seconds
So, you got like a canvas bag, a diaper bag, a backpack, her backpack, my suitcase, her suitcase, the other piece, the diaper [ __ ] Good boy.
7 minutes, 52 seconds
So, now you got to go on the subway with seven suitcases.
7 minutes, 55 seconds
Yeah. You’re like an African lady with a thing on her head. Absolutely. So, uh, that’s that African. No, that’s a horn.
8 minutes, 3 seconds
I don’t have cars over there. I can’t do an African. There you go.
8 minutes, 13 seconds
Uh, but anyways, to Kimbe Matumbo. Yes. Yes.
8 minutes, 16 seconds
Didn’t he didn’t we kill him? Remember that? Did he die?
8 minutes, 19 seconds
Yeah. Like the day after I said he was dead. Don’t you remember that?
8 minutes, 22 seconds
Oh, yeah. I said something about like did Kimbe Matumbbo die, but I was thinking to someone else and like a day later it was like did Kimbe Mumbo’s dead. I killed that son of a [ __ ] Voodoo curse on that tall cup of jizz.
8 minutes, 31 seconds
Akimuan just hung himself in a bathroom. No way. No, I don’t think you could actually.
8 minutes, 36 seconds
He’s like 74. Yeah, to be a high ceiling bathroom. I’m just trying to test to see if he died. Oh, I see. I see.
8 minutes, 43 seconds
Um yikes. You’re killing more Africans than the tootsies.
8 minutes, 46 seconds
Um well, now we got WBY. Tootsie Fairy.
8 minutes, 49 seconds
Well, he’s French. Uh yeah, he’s like 811, that guy.
8 minutes, 54 seconds
It’s confusing now. I used to have certain groups in certain places and that was it.
8 minutes, 57 seconds
I know. Believe me, I heard Giannis was Greek. I almost [ __ ] myself. Remember that kid? Giannis Papus? No, the uh the basketball player.
9 minutes, 6 seconds
Oh, Giannis. Ice. The Greek freak. The Greek freak. Not even Papus.
9 minutes, 9 seconds
Yeah, I didn’t know what you meant. I just kind of chuckled. No, no, he’s Greek. Yes, that Giannis.
9 minutes, 13 seconds
But he looks Greek. I’m just saying the basketball player. You’re like, “Ah, he must be what? Nigerian or from Detroit?” No, people are everywhere. By the way,
9 minutes, 20 seconds
we were in um Dublin on our way to the Guinness factory or plant, whatever the [ __ ] it’s called. Storehouse. Yes. Yes.
9 minutes, 27 seconds
And it was like the biggest Muslim holiday of the year. I don’t know what it was called at Guinness.
9 minutes, 33 seconds
Not at Guinness, but in Dublin. But they have, you know, I think because of Syria and all the stuff. There’s just a huge influx. So my parents have never left the United States.
9 minutes, 43 seconds
They come to Ireland. They want to see sheep, green grass, and you know, Gary Veer with red hair. Right. Right. top of the morning.
9 minutes, 50 seconds
So I go, we’re going to take you straight to the Guinness factory, you [ __ ] also Ramadan or
10 minutes
Ramadan Malingo Shyamalan or the Shaunas, whatever band m night and it’s I mean literally I lived in
10 minutes, 7 seconds
Atoria for 18 years. It’s the most Middle Eastern folks I’ve ever seen in my life and my my mother was like
10 minutes, 14 seconds
holding her purse. She was shaking. I mean, my father was like, he was ready to go back. He’s like, “Get me back on the plane.” I get it. That’s a lot of flying carpets and curvy swords.
10 minutes, 24 seconds
But it’s mindblowing if you’re from America and Boston particularly, and everybody’s Irish, and you spend all
10 minutes, 31 seconds
your time at Irish, and you fly all the way to Dublin, the motherland, and you’re like, “Here we go. We’re in the old country.”
10 minutes, 39 seconds
I mean, it was it looked like North Africa. It was crazy. Wow. That’s crazy. Palestine.
10 minutes, 46 seconds
You try to be like, “Ah, don’t worry you weirdos.” But you are like, “This is I didn’t know about this.
10 minutes, 52 seconds
This has changed.” And you go like four blocks and then you turn and it just looks like South Boston again. You’re like, “There it is.” But would it be nice if you went to the
11 minutes
Sudan or Egypt and there was a little corner where it was all a bunch of mix.
11 minutes, 4 seconds
Well, that’s what I was saying to Sarah cuz she’s like, “It’s she’s like, you know, it’s just like New York.” And I’m like, “No, it is just like New York, but you’re not expecting that.” Right.
11 minutes, 12 seconds
And I said it is in defense of my parents. If I said exactly what you said. If I went if I took my parents to, you know, Istanbul.
11 minutes, 21 seconds
Yeah. Yeah. Turkey.
11 minutes, 22 seconds
And it was just a bunch of Bill Burrs walking around.
11 minutes, 25 seconds
You’d be Well, first of all, they’d call that colonizing. It’d be bad, right? But if it’s the other way, it’s cool.
11 minutes, 31 seconds
Well, colonizing, I think, was more violent. That was a little bit like stab him in the tits. I agree. But I think we’d call it that.
11 minutes, 38 seconds
It’s we call, you know, we call that comic a Nazi, you know. We jump to the big one now. Oh, we love to throw Nazi around.
11 minutes, 44 seconds
Genocide, Nazi, white suprem.
11 minutes, 47 seconds
Lot of big words being punted around. I I see the point. But uh but anyways, it took me 48 hours to get
11 minutes, 55 seconds
home. It was crazy. By the end, you just want to [ __ ] kill somebody. And then my lovely, wonderful wife, she does this note, and I know it doesn’t mean anything.
12 minutes, 3 seconds
Uhoh.
12 minutes, 3 seconds
But we land, we get in the cab, and she goes, “That was smooth sailing.” And I’m like, “Why say smooth sailing?” Smooth sailing. No sail. That was the Titanic.
12 minutes, 12 seconds
No, cuz the flight was smooth sailing.
12 minutes, 14 seconds
But I’m like, say smooth sailing when we’re home. Cuz I have Google Maps. It’s just blood red. Looks like a vein in my [ __ ] I’m like,
12 minutes, 21 seconds
you jinxed it. But it’s no jinx, but also it’s like why are we having this celebration of smooth sailing? I’m like, it’s got to be choppy [ __ ] horrible sailing.
12 minutes, 30 seconds
Yeah, spoke too soon. It’s like right when you take off 911. Hey, we’re on time, right? Towers. Spokane too soon.
12 minutes, 38 seconds
Uhhuh. I got to go. Are you there soon? Yeah, we’re going there, I think.
12 minutes, 42 seconds
Um, but anyways, I don’t know where to start. You tell me some things cuz I got a record a mile long. I want to hear everything about the UK.
12 minutes, 48 seconds
UK, gay. But, uh, let me just say uh, Tippy Tippy Day. A couple things. I’ve been all over God’s green earth. Did uh, did Canada?
12 minutes, 58 seconds
The whole country.
12 minutes, 59 seconds
The whole thing. No, I did. Some town I’d never heard of. Hamilton. Is that it? I don’t know. That’s a good play. Just guessing.
13 minutes, 6 seconds
I actually hated that play. I thought it was like we thought it was like middle school. It felt like Saved by the Bell where it was like, “Hey, hey, hey, my name is Abe Lincoln and I got shot in
13 minutes, 14 seconds
the head. Married to Mary Todd.” Isn’t that odd?
13 minutes, 18 seconds
It just felt like it felt like, you know, there was an episode of Say by the Bell where they did a hip hop [ __ ] thing.
13 minutes, 26 seconds
I didn’t I just didn’t get that show. I hate Lyn Emanuel. I think he’s like a pretentious little snot, right?
13 minutes, 32 seconds
And the whole thing is just like Aaron Burr. People were fur and then he shot Hamilton in the back of the head because now he’s dead. It’s all a blur.
13 minutes, 40 seconds
You heard me said, “Yeah, whatever. That guy sticks. Hamilton blows.” All right. Well, I think they just mixed it up. You know, it’s like, “Oh, we’ve seen Broadway 100 years for this way.
13 minutes, 50 seconds
What if we put a hip-hop tune?” Yeah. And we make the president black. No, I didn’t get it. Which we actually had a black president.
13 minutes, 56 seconds
But yeah, sure did. Eight years.
13 minutes, 58 seconds
That’s true. So, uh, he was good.
14 minutes
Yeah. Yeah. Nice guy. So, Kyrie, I go to Canada. Remember how I bought the drug? I got drugs from a comedy
14 minutes, 7 seconds
store guy and I took it to fly to Canada on a redeye to get my passport. All rewinder.
14 minutes, 15 seconds
So I get to Canada. I do a casino in called Rama Casino. You might want to give this a Google. I can’t remember where it is. Ramadan.
14 minutes, 23 seconds
And uh Ramadan soda.
14 minutes, 25 seconds
It’s one of those places where you’re like, “Oh my god, everybody’s been here.” I’m looking at Seinfeld, Bill Maher, Chris Rock, you know, all these people. Bernie Mack, everybody’s played
14 minutes, 33 seconds
there. John Panette. Beautiful casino in the middle of nowhere. What do you got? Is it Casino Rama? Yes. In Aurelia.
14 minutes, 41 seconds
That’s it. Aurelia. Yeah. Aelia. It’s in Ontario. Aurelia. Yeah. Ontario. Yeah. Aurelia, I think.
14 minutes, 49 seconds
Crazy. Middle of No. It’s one of those where you you fly there, you get on a a car for three hours, and then you’re at
14 minutes, 56 seconds
the casino. So, it’s out there. And uh killer show. Great. But here’s the clinker. I bought this leather jacket months ago. You know about the LJ?
15 minutes, 6 seconds
I don’t remember.
15 minutes, 7 seconds
I’ve been looking for this LJ all over town. I saw a guy in Oslo wearing one. I said, “That’s the leather jacket.” I hit the place up. It’s a tiny store in
15 minutes, 14 seconds
Italy. They sent me the wrong jacket. I had to get it. Send it back. All right.
15 minutes, 18 seconds
Well, it was a whole It was a sound of this. It was a whole saga. This podcast? Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. Sitting right here. Give it a go. Sh doesn’t remember.
15 minutes, 26 seconds
You don’t remember the leather jacket saga? I got a million messages about it. We might be drunk. It was here. All right. All right.
15 minutes, 33 seconds
Yeah. Oh, I remember. It had an eightball, right?
15 minutes, 36 seconds
Yeah. That’s white sleeves.
15 minutes, 37 seconds
That’s it. Yeah. The devils. So So I got the leather jacket, but I never wear it cuz it’s a leather jacket. Yeah. I appreciate that.
15 minutes, 45 seconds
Yeah. So, but I’ve always wanted a leather jacket. You know, you see these comics wearing one. Eddie Murphy. It’s red. It’s a full onesie. That was the 80s.
15 minutes, 52 seconds
I know. But I was like, I want a leather jacket. I’ll never wear it, but I have it. So, I wear it around the house in my pajamas. Okay.
15 minutes, 58 seconds
And I look in the mirror and I go, “Hey, ho. Hey. So, I I said I never wear this jacket. When I got the passport, I put
16 minutes, 6 seconds
the jacket in my suitcase cuz now I have to wear it cuz it’s cold in Canada. Ah.
16 minutes, 12 seconds
So, this is my only way to force myself to wear this [ __ ] jacket. So, I throw this puppy on in the casino. I walk downstairs. They give you the whole tour through the kitchen. I go out on stage.
16 minutes, 22 seconds
I walk out. I go, “Here we are, Canada.” And one guy goes, “Nice jacket, Fonza. I took that thing off. I [ __ ] threw it in the gutter first moment.
16 minutes, 34 seconds
Wow.
16 minutes, 34 seconds
Of wearing it. Nice jacket, Fonza. And I went, “Fuck you, Amundo.” And I ruined I ruined my whole set.
16 minutes, 41 seconds
Well, it’s a big move. You’re 43 years old. It’s tough to just Well, whatever.
16 minutes, 47 seconds
This comes out in September. This by the It’s a Sarah had a great bit about if you want to introduce a hat. She’s like, “I like hats, but you can’t just show up
16 minutes, 55 seconds
with a hat.” And she’s like, “You got to start on Halloween.” Ah, you have a costume. You know, you you go out as a biker. Yes.
17 minutes, 2 seconds
You have the helmet and then you slowly remove the boots and the helmet and then you go, “Hey, it’s my coat now.” And maybe no notices. I love it. That’s a good bit.
17 minutes, 10 seconds
It’s a great bit. But yeah, I guess. All right. I got to wait till Halloween, too. [ __ ] That’s four or five months away.
17 minutes, 15 seconds
Well, it’s going to be 150 degrees for the next 6 weeks. That’s a good point.
17 minutes, 18 seconds
So, it’s a good looking jacket, but I don’t know. I’ll I’ll show it to you. Yeah, that’s okay.
17 minutes, 23 seconds
It’s very minimal. You know, there’s no zips or quefs or buttons or flaps.
17 minutes, 29 seconds
Like a um like a Is it like Tom Cruz in that movie?
17 minutes, 33 seconds
Yeah. Yeah. It’s just streamlined. It’s like a bomber jacket, but it happens to be leather. Is there fur? No. Oh, what am I Aaron Burr?
17 minutes, 42 seconds
No fur. So, uh yeah. So, I I just I couldn’t wear the jacket at all, so I had to put it in my suitcase. That’s a relief.
17 minutes, 49 seconds
Takes up a lot of room. So, that was just a fun moment. flew back, put the jacket in a closet, locked the door, put a chair in front of it, and then last
17 minutes, 58 seconds
weekend, Spokane. Is that right? That is right there.
18 minutes, 2 seconds
Finally. All right. Give me every detail and then never mention Spokane again for another three, four weeks.
18 minutes, 8 seconds
Five sold out shows. It’s a [ __ ] to get to Big Spoky.
18 minutes, 11 seconds
Yeah. You got to get to what? Seattle or Salt Lake City first.
18 minutes, 14 seconds
Yeah. I did Minneapolis and connected and then you get there, you got one eye open. It’s a hell of a long flight, but great shows. How about this one? Oh [ __ ] I shouldn’t say this.
18 minutes, 26 seconds
I’m sure it’ll be fun. You’ve never caused a problem before. That’s true. Never had to rush to edit anything.
18 minutes, 32 seconds
Well, I had great crowds, but again, my hours stink. So, I’m really up there just tap dancing and that whole thing, but uh I double booked.
18 minutes, 40 seconds
Oh boy.
18 minutes, 41 seconds
Because I’m very unorganized. So, I had two guys show up to open and they both flew there and all that.
18 minutes, 46 seconds
And I was like, you know, one guy shows up like, “Hey.” Cuz I kind of booked this [ __ ] you know, I post my calendar and then 800
18 minutes, 54 seconds
comics go, “Can I do that one? Can I do this one?” And I just go, “Yeah, sure.
18 minutes, 57 seconds
Whatever. Blow me.” And I show up and one guy’s there and I go, “Hey, it’s kind of a fun surprise for me.” Neither one of these people texted you
19 minutes, 4 seconds
before and said, “Hey, I can’t wait.” We keep it light. Okay.
19 minutes, 9 seconds
So I go, “Hey.” Cuz I get a fun like, “Oh, you’re the guy I booked. I get to hang out with you all weekend. This will be great.” This is one of the craziest things I’ve ever heard in my It’s like a sitcom. He
19 minutes, 17 seconds
walks in the green room like, “Whoa.” I high five. And then through the other door over here, I go, “What are you doing here?” And he goes, “You booked
19 minutes, 24 seconds
me.” And I go, “Oh, fuck.” So now they hate each other. It’s tense. The whole weekend’s ruined. Can you say who’s who?
19 minutes, 32 seconds
Oh, yeah. It’s this guy Caleb Simon. I know Caleb.
19 minutes, 35 seconds
Very funny. Underrated. And then this guy, uh, Corey Mis.
19 minutes, 40 seconds
Oh, I know him for I know Cory for years. So, I guess he just drove to three hours, which isn’t bad, but I [ __ ] up. So, I go, “How do you guys
19 minutes, 48 seconds
want to do this?” And they go, “You tell us.” So, I go, “Oh, jeez.” So, we ended up You guys want to do it? You’re the boss.
19 minutes, 53 seconds
We end up alternating. You know, one guy goes first. Yeah. I gave them both, I don’t know, 16, 18 minutes, something like that. All right.
20 minutes
Yeah. So, it worked out and the crowds were great and they killed it. Those guys are both hilarious. Yeah.
20 minutes, 5 seconds
But, uh, then they give you the money and they go, “Well, you guys both featured, so here’s a feature check.
20 minutes, 13 seconds
Ah, and I’m like, that’s only one check.
20 minutes, 14 seconds
That’s only one check. So, now they’re splitting very little money. Like, it’s already not a ton of money. Then you got to split it.
20 minutes, 20 seconds
So, I go, well, wait a minute. You should pay one as a host and one as a feature. Yeah, they should get the MC money. Yes.
20 minutes, 28 seconds
Or was there an MC? No.
20 minutes, 30 seconds
Well, yeah, they should get the MC money, too.
20 minutes, 32 seconds
But they were like, well, they featured two features. So, that’s uh one of them must when the other one was featuring, right?
20 minutes, 37 seconds
That’s what I said. So now we’re in cahoots back and forth and I’m like, how is this an issue? So I gave him a bunch of money because I felt guilty, but it’s a little strange, right?
20 minutes, 47 seconds
Well, maybe they don’t pay their hosts. Some clubs don’t pay the hosts. Yeah, I think they do.
20 minutes, 52 seconds
Yeah. Well, someone should get the host money.
20 minutes, 55 seconds
I Yeah, so we’re we’re still talking to them. So it’s like $25 a set. It’s like 125 bucks. I know. They could use that cash.
21 minutes, 3 seconds
That’s crazy.
21 minutes, 4 seconds
That’s kooky cuckoo bananas. But we had a great weekend and I flew back and it was all hunky dory. But I’ll just say this and I’ll pass it on to the uh the Brexit over here. So I landed Spokane.
21 minutes, 16 seconds
It’s the longest flight ever. You finally land. You ever had this one? Get the Uber. I’m good with the Uber. I book that Uber. When I land, I walk off the plane. Carry on. Walk right to the Uber.
21 minutes, 28 seconds
Carry on. Exactly. That suck. Yeah, that’s not bad. That’s pretty good.
21 minutes, 33 seconds
It’s a foreigner. No, it’s like fun, I think.
21 minutes, 38 seconds
Oh, fun. I’m thinking to carry on my wayward.
21 minutes, 41 seconds
Oh, that’s Kansas. I [ __ ] hate that song. I don’t get that. What? Yeah.
21 minutes, 48 seconds
What is that about? Who’s the wayward son? I don’t know. But that song sucks. So dramatic. Blows. Yeah. Army. Someone’s going to the army.
21 minutes, 56 seconds
Oh, I thought it was like a religious fable or some [ __ ] Remember back when songs came on, you had to like imagine what they were talking about.
22 minutes, 3 seconds
Right now, you could just Google it, but you had to really sit and think. Yeah.
22 minutes, 7 seconds
Uh, so I get in the Uber. It’s this young kid, whippers snapper, cute, cleancut kid with a Tesla. And I go, “Oh, nice wheels. I got crust on my eyes
22 minutes, 15 seconds
and jizz on my ass.” And I’m like, “All right.” Going to the hotel. And he goes, “Let me ask you, sir. I love people. I love driving people.
22 minutes, 27 seconds
what’s four things you would say to a young guy to make it in life? Like, what’s your tips to life? And I was like, huh?
22 minutes, 38 seconds
And he’s like, “What are three things that you three great quotes you heard?” I’m like, “Oh my god.” Uh, I hate this guy. I
22 minutes, 46 seconds
I don’t know. But he’s so young and nice and he’s like he’s young. He’s probably like 18 or 19. Oh, that’s appalling.
22 minutes, 52 seconds
I know. But he’s trying to do this like figure out life and connect and uh I’m going places and I this is how I do my
23 minutes
Ubers. I ask people their three best tips. What’s the best advice you ever got, buddy? And I’m like, I guess that’s okay.
23 minutes, 7 seconds
I’m But you’re just hot off a It’d be like if someone kicked you in the ass when you woke up and put you in an orgy.
23 minutes, 15 seconds
You’re like, “Whoa, hold on. I’m not ready for this. I just got off a flight.” Right. And uh so I’m like uh I think Einstein said uh to each his own or something and three horses and a mule.
23 minutes, 26 seconds
He said life is like riding a bike. In order to keep your balance, you got to keep moving. Okay. Einstein. That’s good. That’s good. Tell him that.
23 minutes, 34 seconds
I’ll call him. All right.
23 minutes, 35 seconds
But uh I Another great Einstein is I’m not smarter than anybody. I just stay with problems longer.
23 minutes, 41 seconds
Ah, which is good for comedy.
23 minutes, 43 seconds
Yeah. I’ve been staying with mine for 15 years now.
23 minutes, 45 seconds
Sure. Same. Uh, so yeah, it was just one of these you get off a plane and he’s just hitting you with with hard-hitting questions. You’re like, “Are we doing a
23 minutes, 53 seconds
pod or is this mine 60 Minutes? What is this?” I don’t care for that. It was like a self-help guy.
23 minutes, 59 seconds
You know, he’s one of those guys like, “Tell me your three greatest triumphs.” I’m like, “Is he filming it for content?” No, that was the other crazy thing. I was like, “Is this for the internet?”
24 minutes, 8 seconds
And he was like, “No, it’s for me. I’m I’m I want to go somewhere in life, and this is how I think I’m going to do it, and I want to get to know people and
24 minutes, 16 seconds
learn.” Oh, wow. So, what’d you end up telling him?
24 minutes, 19 seconds
I just made up a bunch of [ __ ] I was like, “Ah, Toltoy and Abraham Lincoln, and if Frederick Douglas said to, you
24 minutes, 27 seconds
know, take a shower every 3 days and wake up at 5, do a cold plunge.” You know, I’m just talking out of my ass.
24 minutes, 32 seconds
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. There you go. Ben Franklin. Hey, I like him. Yeah, he’s good. Ugly, weird.
24 minutes, 41 seconds
Big womanizer. Oh, yeah.
24 minutes, 43 seconds
He invented the post office, plaster of Paris, the almanac, the bif focal electricity stuff. No kidding. Yeah, he was good.
24 minutes, 52 seconds
Yeah, that’s pretty good.
24 minutes, 53 seconds
Pretty good. So, president and fat and ugly, too, by the way.
24 minutes, 57 seconds
Fat and ugly readers. I don’t think he was president. I can already hear people being like, “Oh, this [ __ ] idiot. He’s a retard.” He was vice president.
25 minutes, 5 seconds
Um, but uh, wow. Well, maybe that kid I hope that kid does well.
25 minutes, 9 seconds
He’s going places, but again, it felt like subway takes.
25 minutes, 12 seconds
He’s an Uber driver. He’s going all kinds of places.
25 minutes, 14 seconds
That’s true. Five stars. But he felt like Subway takes, but I wasn’t ready.
25 minutes, 18 seconds
Like somebody just put you got out of the shower. They just threw you on a on a subway and you’re like, “Ah, what’s my take?”
25 minutes, 25 seconds
Hey folks, this episode of Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you, of course, by Quint. We love Quint. Quincy Jones. No
25 minutes, 33 seconds
matter what you’re doing this summer, you you can look great doing it with Quint. Yes.
25 minutes, 38 seconds
Everything from Quint is made well, versatile, and built to last. From active wear to formal wear and everything in between, Quint is high quality at a price that makes sense. I
25 minutes, 47 seconds
bought my I told you this. I bought my son gifts on Quint.
25 minutes, 51 seconds
I went I was going to get a little Mother’s Day gift and I just went [ __ ] hog wild cuz Quint has everything. It makes it so easy. It’s categorized
25 minutes, 59 seconds
and the prices are so reasonable. It says women’s pants, women’s shirts, baby shorts, baby shoes, baby whatever. And I
26 minutes, 7 seconds
just went on. I bought everything for my wife on there, everything for my son on there. It’s awesome. It’s not just clothing. Quint is the place for all kinds of everyday home and essentials.
26 minutes, 15 seconds
They have durable waterproof luggage, high-end furniture, organic supplements and vitamins. Quint even has 14 karat gold jewelry. I got Sarah some jewelry
26 minutes, 24 seconds
there. It wasn’t 14 karat. It was like two carats or something. I don’t know. I love carrots.
26 minutes, 28 seconds
It’s good for your eyes. Quint partners directly with ethical factories and top artistes. We know how much you care about ethics here at the Tuesdays of
26 minutes, 35 seconds
Stories World. Elevate your summer wardrobe with Quint. Go to quint.com/tuesdays for free shipping and 365day returns. Now available in Canada, too.
26 minutes, 46 seconds
Go to qnce.com/tuesdays for free shipping and 365day returns. quint.comdays.
27 minutes
Do it. We love Quint. Absolutely we do.
27 minutes, 3 seconds
Hey. Hey folks. If you’re looking for the best nicotine options in the game, check out Lucy. Lucy makes high potency
27 minutes, 10 seconds
pouches. Delicious and discreet nicotine gum and the signature Lucy Breakers with a long lasting flavor capsule inside.
27 minutes, 18 seconds
And Lucy’s nicotine shrinks range from 2 to 12 milligrams with flavors like apple cider, espresso, berry, citrus, and
27 minutes, 27 seconds
mango. Plus unflavored options for states with flavor bands. Whoa. We got flavor bands now. Yeah.
27 minutes, 34 seconds
Jesus. Uh I love Lucy. Great TV show.
27 minutes, 39 seconds
You got to get on it. This is good stuff. You get a jolt. Check out the lossenes. They feel great. Big fan of
27 minutes, 45 seconds
Lucy. If you need a kick, a pickme up, and you don’t want to sit there and puff puff the magic dragon, Puff Daddy,
27 minutes, 53 seconds
Lucy’s is the only pouch that delivers long-lasting on demand flavor. Get 20% off your first order when you buy online at lucy.co/tuesdays
28 minutes, 2 seconds
with promo code Tuesdays. If you don’t want to wait, check out Lucy’s store locator to find Lucy near you and grab it today. I like to go in. That’s nice.
28 minutes, 13 seconds
Again, that’s lucy.co/ co/tuesdays. Promo code Tuesdays.
28 minutes, 19 seconds
Here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every customer is age verified. Warning,
28 minutes, 26 seconds
this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Hello.
28 minutes, 35 seconds
Boy, I told you my new If I get to do that show again, hit me. Fingers crossed. The first 10 minutes of every movie is awesome.
28 minutes, 43 seconds
Every movie. every movie I’ve ever seen 10 minutes in I’m like this is awesome now I’m sure there’s examples I’ve got
28 minutes, 52 seconds
everything sucks with the fans you got to this is hyperbolic but in general when you’re watching the opening credits of a movie I’m like this is great so
29 minutes, 1 second
much hope that’s true I’m a start he’s really picking at that nail the beginning you just you’re just like this is fun you have hope for every film in the
29 minutes, 9 seconds
beginning that’s true that is a good point there’s something fun like produced by directed by and it’s Someone’s feet walking in an office.
29 minutes, 16 seconds
Yeah. It’s all like, “Oh, where it’s going.” Right. Right. Two girls, one cup. They get right to it.
29 minutes, 21 seconds
You know what’s crazy? I watched Milk on the flight home. Yeah. That they couldn’t make that movie now. How so? Every actor’s straight. They wouldn’t allow it.
29 minutes, 29 seconds
Good point.
29 minutes, 30 seconds
Sean Penn is incredible. I just an incredible performance. He’s amazing. I believe he got nominated. He won.
29 minutes, 35 seconds
They won. Emil Hirs, Sean Penn, uh, James Franco, the other guy, all straight guys. Can
29 minutes, 44 seconds
you imagine? Now, I mean, the director was gay, Gus Vanzant. But if you came out and you were like, “We’re making a movie about uh, you know, Stockbridge.
29 minutes, 53 seconds
What’s that bar? Stonewall.
29 minutes, 55 seconds
We’re making the Stonewall.” And you had, you know, you, me, and Chuck. Are you straight?
30 minutes, 1 second
If you had you, me, and and Salakuse playing the Stonewall boys, that’s a good point. They would go, “What the hell is this?” And back then, that movie was like
30 minutes, 9 seconds
cutting edge. It was progressive. Look at these guys playing homos and drinking milk, right? That’s a good film. That’s good.
30 minutes, 17 seconds
That’s a hell of a picture. But, um, pen, the way he yells bugs me because you don’t see his teeth. You ever notice that? He goes like
30 minutes, 24 seconds
he’s always yelling in a movie like Mystic River.
30 minutes, 26 seconds
Mystic River is a little much. That movie’s got some silly, but he’s got this perfectly round mouth and it’s just a hole, a black hole with no teeth. Yeah.
30 minutes, 34 seconds
He has no lips. I don’t know. Something about that guy’s face is off to me.
30 minutes, 37 seconds
Maybe it’s a choice, but he doesn’t yell in milk. He’s got the New York accent.
30 minutes, 40 seconds
He’s he’s he’s great. And then One Battle, of course, he’s amazing. So, he’s he’s good, that guy. Great in that. Great in that. Yeah.
30 minutes, 47 seconds
Um he’s a good actor.
30 minutes, 49 seconds
Anyways, yeah, I watched Milk. I’m just watching uh Homo’s Kiss. My son is looking over going, “What’s wrong with you?” And I’m like, “Don’t worry about it. I’m cool.” Yeah. Homogeneous milk.
30 minutes, 58 seconds
Huh? Homo milk. Uh homo milk.
31 minutes
Just something to That was the original name. Homo milk. Homo milk. That’s what I call Jiz. He’s a good guy. Homo milk.
31 minutes, 6 seconds
Uh, all right. So, hit me. I had I had to get that out.
31 minutes, 9 seconds
H. Milk. Uh. All right. Well, I got all kinds of stuff. This happened like six months ago, but I had a big celebrity sighting at my mall. The mall.
31 minutes, 17 seconds
Claire Danes.
31 minutes, 18 seconds
No. Walking through. We saw Tristan Harris. You know that guy? Oh, the Facebook queef. Facebook AI guy.
31 minutes, 24 seconds
Yeah. He’s not a fan. He He’s something now. It was cool to see cuz you’re like, I see this guy all the time. I think he’s an American hero. This guy.
31 minutes, 31 seconds
I like He’s little, right? He’s pretty little. Yeah. I mean, he’s not like crazy little. I don’t know. Sure. He’s not maybe. Yeah.
31 minutes, 38 seconds
Okay. He’s my height.
31 minutes, 39 seconds
Yeah. So, pretty little. But yeah, I saw him. I don’t know. That’s not a story. But that was kind of cool.
31 minutes, 45 seconds
Did you say, “Hey, Trist, [ __ ] [ __ ] the meta.” Well, I looked at it, but I did, you know, delete everything off my phone.
31 minutes, 52 seconds
So, I feel like, hey, you’re you’re making progress, you big homo.
31 minutes, 55 seconds
All right. All right. See, I think you’d like to hear that.
31 minutes, 58 seconds
Which I got to tell you, it’s now been 6 weeks, no Instagram. I’m loving life over here. I don’t know what the hell’s going on. Good for you.
32 minutes, 4 seconds
And when you delete, you notice everybody else. You’re like, “This is crazy. Look at this asshole.” Just staring. And you just feel better than everybody.
32 minutes, 12 seconds
Yeah, it’s really nice. I feel like a million bucks.
32 minutes, 14 seconds
I was on the subway with my dad like 6 months ago and he goes, “Notice. Every single person is on the phone.” And I
32 minutes, 22 seconds
was sitting next to my dad going, “Well, I’m bored as shit.” Right. You know, but still, he had a point. Every single person was on the phone. Yeah. It’s really something.
32 minutes, 29 seconds
It’s a packed train. looking at my phone right now. Now, I don’t know where to go because it happened so long ago and I kind of want to talk about last night because I did this crazy gig last night.
32 minutes, 36 seconds
Oh, lay it on me, Fanny.
32 minutes, 38 seconds
So, or maybe I should tell Belfast cuz that was the most cake. Save the gig. All right. Belfast was the funniest one.
32 minutes, 45 seconds
So, we go out there, you fly [ __ ] 900 hours with the baby with we’re all in coach, we couldn’t get the stuff. I got so many tails. I don’t know where to
32 minutes, 53 seconds
start. Wow. So, this was funny. So, I got a friend who’s a lady. Doesn’t matter her name or our past relationship, but oh boy.
33 minutes, 2 seconds
So, I book my flight. We’re eventually we’re all going the three of us are going to get it. Me, Sarah, Marty, we’re all going and we’re back in coach
33 minutes, 10 seconds
because it’s cost $75,000 plus my parents are coming. I pay for their hotels and their flight from London to Dublin. So, it’s a whole thing. I’ll talk as fast as I can like the micro machines guy. Good son.
33 minutes, 18 seconds
So, just get through it. So, we’re sitting in the back. We got a long flight and it’s an overnight flight, a red eye thing. Uh, and you got a kid and you got to adjust
33 minutes, 27 seconds
for the time. You have to stay awake when you get there.
33 minutes, 30 seconds
And so you just want to sleep, of course. Yes.
33 minutes, 32 seconds
But you can’t sleep cuz you’re just sitting upright. You You got the head nod going. Luckily he sleep. I’m like, as long as he sleeps, at least he won’t be so [ __ ] up.
33 minutes, 42 seconds
So we fly out there. It was great when we landed. He goes, “Come on, let’s go. We’re in Scotland.” That’s funny.
33 minutes, 48 seconds
That’s the baby. Three sentences in a row. Come on, let’s go. We’re in Scotland. And everyone che everyone’s like, “Oh my god, he’s amazing.” I had his face painted blue and a skirt on.
33 minutes, 58 seconds
Hey, freedom.
33 minutes, 59 seconds
Just a leather skirt. It wasn’t a kilt, but All right.
34 minutes, 2 seconds
So, we land out there. We go to Scotland. That’s great. So, then on the flight home, originally Sarah and Marty were going to go home a couple days
34 minutes, 9 seconds
early before Belfast after Dublin because my parents were coming to Dublin and they were flying home to get to my nephew’s graduation. So, I was like,
34 minutes, 16 seconds
“All right, you guys will go home a couple days early.” Yeah. because it saves us. We’re going to Northern Ireland after that. I’m
34 minutes, 24 seconds
like, it saves us two border crossings, which it turns out there’s not even a border crossing now. From Ireland to Northern Ireland. Oh, that’s nice.
34 minutes, 30 seconds
Lot of progress. Used to be a little chippy over there. Troubles.
34 minutes, 34 seconds
So, which is a very nice euphemism for killing people with a car bomb.
34 minutes, 38 seconds
Well, you know, Ireland, that’s how they go. We had a little trouble. Yeah.
34 minutes, 41 seconds
U So, like calling the Titanic a cold plunge, folks. So, we’re going out there and so
34 minutes, 48 seconds
they’re supposed to leave Friday. I’m like, “You’ll go to the airport with my parents and then it saves us some extra cash going back and forth and blah blah
34 minutes, 57 seconds
blah.” And I’m telling my friend this and I go, “So, and then plus that way I can fly home first class.” Kind of making a joke, you know, whatever.
35 minutes, 6 seconds
Yeah. And she goes, “What are you crazy?
35 minutes, 8 seconds
They’re the ones that should be in first class. [ __ ] you, you piece of shit.” Doesn’t get the humor of the situation. I’m just trying to be funny. Who is this?
35 minutes, 16 seconds
It’s a person. Doesn’t matter who. These people are animals. So I go, “Uh, yeah, well, you know, I’m just kidding.” And she’s like, “You you got to put them in
35 minutes, 24 seconds
first class. Have you ever flown cross country international with just a kid?” And I’m like, “Well, we fly all the time. Don’t worry about it.” yada yada. Turns into a spat.
35 minutes, 32 seconds
Okay. And I go, “All right, how about this?
35 minutes, 35 seconds
I’m upgrading them right now. What do you think about that, you [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] [ __ ] cunt.” So I go in and it’s it’s in euro, so I
35 minutes, 44 seconds
don’t realize it’s like more it’s like twice as expensive as I think. Ah, so I send the rece I go, “There you go.” I tell my wife, “Hey, you’re in first
35 minutes, 52 seconds
class now because this [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] is yelling at me and I’m a good guy. I’m trying to be funny. Whatever.” So now they’re all in first class on the flight home.
36 minutes, 2 seconds
Wow.
36 minutes, 2 seconds
So then we have the trip. The trip is so magical and some of it’s not even worth talking about on this pod. This is a silly pod, but it was very fun and
36 minutes, 11 seconds
spiritual and beautiful and you’re just taking your kid international. We went into the It’s just beautiful. It was It
36 minutes, 19 seconds
was beautiful. It was unbelievable. So then I’m like, I can’t have you guys leave. It’s too much.
36 minutes, 25 seconds
I want to see it through. It’s going to be too much with the luggage and I I’ll just be so painfully lonely.
36 minutes, 31 seconds
I’m extending the trip. You guys are staying and you get to save on those flights.
36 minutes, 36 seconds
So then I got on the flight home. I’m in premium cabin. Not bad.
36 minutes, 42 seconds
Just not Delta 1, but it’s like it’s like regular first class.
36 minutes, 44 seconds
Yeah. and I move their tickets to this flight and I go, “What does it cost to
36 minutes, 53 seconds
move the flight? Keep them in premium cabin.” The guy goes, “Well, we’re closer now. The the the flights
37 minutes
have ch the fairs have changed. Trump’s America. That’s going to be $4,800 to change.” And I go, “What?
37 minutes, 7 seconds
Change plus the additional fee from before.” I go, “I already bought the tickets. The tickets were like $2,000.” So he’s like, “I know, but now they cost more.
37 minutes, 16 seconds
It’s all a racket. This is highway robbery. It’s a racket.
37 minutes, 19 seconds
Skyway robber.” So I go, “Well, what about main cabin?
37 minutes, 21 seconds
What if I move them on this flight, but main cabin?” He goes, “You’ll get $300 back.
37 minutes, 26 seconds
Three hundo. It should be three grand.” Well, whatever. So I go, “Okay, well, they’re flying main cabin.” But here’s the thing. Marty only wants to fly with me.
37 minutes, 35 seconds
Ah. So now the flight home, we have one first class and two main cabins for them.
37 minutes, 44 seconds
But now we’re the same flight, but he wants to sit with me. So now after all that, my wife is in first class and I’m back in main cabin.
37 minutes, 52 seconds
So the whole thing switcher, man, it went from me first class, them main cabin. Then they got upgraded. Now we’re all in first class. Now I’m [ __ ] back in main cabin.
38 minutes, 1 second
Oh, now I’m driving the bus.
38 minutes, 2 seconds
I got my knees covering my ears. My son’s sitting on my nut sack and she’s up there. Uh, you know, she’s got chicken parm and tiramisu and tearing my shoe.
38 minutes, 13 seconds
But then at the last minute, I was like, “Fuck this [ __ ] Cut this [ __ ] right here.” And I used I, you know, I have all these miles. I
38 minutes, 21 seconds
never used 300,000 miles. So, I used 125,000 miles. Got their seats bumped up to first class. So, I sat first class with him. Sarah two seats behind me.
38 minutes, 29 seconds
We’re like Maverick and Goose, which was fun. I was like, “Give me that juice.” Miles Davis.
38 minutes, 32 seconds
She hands it to me. So now we’re all back in first class. That was exciting.
38 minutes, 35 seconds
But all right, Miles had a big switcheroo there. So that was fun. But um I got to tell you about Belfast. So please, it’s a cool town.
38 minutes, 43 seconds
Yeah, it’s the worst city I’ve ever been to, I think, in my life.
38 minutes, 46 seconds
Have you been to Syracuse? It I mean, you know, international. So first of all, it’s a two and a half week trip. We go to We fly to Edinburgh. We It’s Which is the coolest.
38 minutes, 57 seconds
Unbelievable.
38 minutes, 57 seconds
That’s the best of all the cities. It’s like [ __ ] Harry Potterville out there.
39 minutes, 1 second
Exactly. JK, it’s just amazing. Plus that day one, you have that feeling of we’re doing it. We’re here. Everything’s
39 minutes, 9 seconds
fresh. We made it. We can do hard things. We got through the thing. We got through the security. We’re on the double-decker bus.
39 minutes, 16 seconds
We’re loving it. They’re playing bag pipes. My mother’s Scottish. My father’s gay. How’s the weather? Unbelievable.
39 minutes, 24 seconds
It’s like 75 and sunny. We got the luckiest luckies alive.
39 minutes, 28 seconds
Ah, lucky charms. So that’s Ireland. So we get out there, it’s wonderful. We go
39 minutes, 36 seconds
to the castle. There’s a playground at the bottom of Edinburgh Castle. It’s just amazing. And the food, it was just unbelievable.
39 minutes, 43 seconds
Scotch Golf Connory. Curling. Curling.
39 minutes, 49 seconds
Um, kilt. Yeah. Uh, bag pipe.
39 minutes, 53 seconds
The bag pipes there. The blue paint, the dicks. Uh, what else you got? Scotch tape. Yeah. Yeah. and groundskeeper Willie.
40 minutes, 1 second
Yep. Scotch egg. Mike Myers.
40 minutes, 6 seconds
Ah, he does all that stuff. Anyways, that’s good stuff.
40 minutes, 11 seconds
So, then we go from Edinburgh, we take the train to uh Glasgow. We’re in Glasgow for a few days. Awesome. That’s a weird [ __ ] hole, but fun. We had fun
40 minutes, 19 seconds
there. We embraced that. That show was great.
40 minutes, 22 seconds
At one point, we’re in Glasgow and I was singing the Bunny Bunny Banks of L and the whole crowd joined it. We’re like in this basement and we all sang together.
40 minutes, 32 seconds
It was kind of beautiful. Great.
40 minutes, 34 seconds
So then you go from there and then here’s a life hack that somebody [ __ ] could have told me. A travel hack, whatever. Uhhuh.
40 minutes, 40 seconds
Nobody shared this with me. So now we’re going, we’re taking the big train ride from Glasgow down to London, which is like a four and a half hour train ride.
40 minutes, 48 seconds
We’re heading to like, you know, London now or [ __ ] big crazy city. Foggy London town. So I’m like, we’re getting us trains.
40 minutes, 57 seconds
The baby doesn’t need a ticket. They’re all trains out there. It’s [ __ ] awesome. We took a million trains. It was beautiful. Way better.
41 minutes, 2 seconds
And I go, “Well, first class is only $40 difference there, but it’s like a 280
41 minutes, 8 seconds
pound trip, which is like 325 bucks.” Okay.
41 minutes, 13 seconds
So, I’m like, “All right, well, let’s go in class. It’s only $30 more.” So, I get us two first class tickets on the train.
41 minutes, 19 seconds
Four and a half hour train ride. It’s like $700. We’re making money from the shows. You better believe it. We got on the train. We take the train.
41 minutes, 27 seconds
It’s beautiful. No one checks our tickets. Not a single time. Nobody looks. That happens.
41 minutes, 32 seconds
Then we get to the show. I bring it up on stage. They go, “It’s a£und fine if you don’t have a ticket.” All right.
41 minutes, 40 seconds
I bought two $400 tickets. The the penalty for not having any ticket is a hundred bucks. It’s worth the risk.
41 minutes, 46 seconds
I go, “What are you crazy?” Wow.
41 minutes, 48 seconds
They go, “Oh, that’s the oldest trick, you [ __ ] idiot. I spent I just donated $800 to the British Empire.” Oh, this is why I don’t have healthcare.
41 minutes, 57 seconds
The CR I’m like this is crazy. And they go, yeah, yeah, if you don’t have a ticket. So, we could have just sat in the seats and worst case scenario, they’re like, yo, it’s 100 pounds.
42 minutes, 5 seconds
Whoa. I would have saved 600 lb.
42 minutes, 8 seconds
What a That would never fly here cuz everybody would do that and we get busted. But over there, they’re nice.
42 minutes, 13 seconds
It’s nuts. I mean, I bought so many tickets that nobody checked, looked at, anything.
42 minutes, 17 seconds
Wow. You got you got rooked. You’re a dumb American.
42 minutes, 20 seconds
And in Dublin, the the Lewis Jay Gomez is the train. The Lewis. Ah, it’s all honor system.
42 minutes, 27 seconds
Oh, you buy a card. We put $50 on the card.
42 minutes, 30 seconds
You get up, you you scan the card afterwards. You just tap it. Oh.
42 minutes, 34 seconds
So, you you ride the train, you get off the train, you go boop. And it goes, “Thank you.” Wow.
42 minutes, 39 seconds
All you got to do is just not like here, you have to jump over a turn style and everyone goes, “Look at this [ __ ] idiot middle-aged millionaire jumping
42 minutes, 48 seconds
the turn style.” It should when you go jump. Yeah. Yeah. Idiot. Yeah.
42 minutes, 53 seconds
Homo. Uh, anyways, so we buy $800 train tickets. No one looks at them once. I’m a [ __ ] idiot. Next time just get on the train.
43 minutes
Good to know. It takes a couple Americans to be like, “Steal. Beat the system. [ __ ] them.” Of course.
43 minutes, 6 seconds
Wow. By the way, travel hacks. Good name for this show. Hey, that’s not bad. We always talk about traveling or hacks.
43 minutes, 13 seconds
Yeah, there you go. So, travel facts.
43 minutes, 16 seconds
Uh, so then you go from London and I’ll I’ll go into little stories here, but London’s just amazing. one of the [ __ ] great cities of all time.
43 minutes, 24 seconds
Obviously, quite a a toot over there ourselves back in the day.
43 minutes, 27 seconds
Back by the hotel. That’s where I started hanging out with Monus, my my my my boy. That’s right.
43 minutes, 33 seconds
So, which by the way, every guy is always like, “He’s not hot. He’s ugly.
43 minutes, 36 seconds
Piece of shit.” This guy every woman is in love with him. Is that right? Yeah. It’s crazy. I mean, it’s crazy.
43 minutes, 42 seconds
Really? I’ve never heard a woman mention him.
43 minutes, 45 seconds
H They might be trying to keep something from you. I mean, they all It’s It’s nuts. I mean, I’m with the guy. They just I think they like tall. They like
43 minutes, 53 seconds
the dimples kind. He’s got good hair. Tall is big. Tall is tits of of men.
44 minutes, 1 second
Oh, interesting.
44 minutes, 2 seconds
I think tall is big tits. Ari had the best line cuz everybody’s all over City Sweeney. And I go, I think I I don’t think she’s that pretty. I think it’s
44 minutes, 10 seconds
all just because she has huge tits. And he goes, yes, but she has huge tits. I Oh, I said she wouldn’t be hot if she
44 minutes, 18 seconds
didn’t have huge tits. And he goes, “But she does, right?” And that’s such a great Ari point where I’m like, “Yeah, you got me there.” Right. She does have huge tits.
44 minutes, 26 seconds
I don’t know if you have to be the right kind of tall though cuz I’m very tall.
44 minutes, 29 seconds
But I’m long. See, Lankie is no good. I tried to do a bit about this. They want tall. They don’t want Lank. Look at this. Look at these legs. Lank is Lank is okay.
44 minutes, 37 seconds
Cuz you know, I’d take Lank over 510.
44 minutes, 40 seconds
I think I suppose so. Yeah. I wouldn’t want to be you, but sure.
44 minutes, 44 seconds
The jawline supersedes. I’d rather be 52 with like a big old Bruce Campbell jaw. Yeah.
44 minutes, 51 seconds
Than 63 and uh you know the old old note in there. Phone book Chinese. Sure.
45 minutes
Hey there folks. Tuesdays with stories is brought to you as always by Shopify.
45 minutes, 4 seconds
Running a business is all about flexibility. Shopify has the tools you need every step of the way. Shopify is
45 minutes, 11 seconds
an ecommerce platform. Millions of businesses used by millions of businesses. If you ever see that purple shop pay button at a checkout, you
45 minutes, 19 seconds
already know Shopify. I didn’t know that much about this. Lewis J. Gomes was just showing me he uses it for gas digital and all the stuff. He was showing me the app. So easy to use. He gets a
45 minutes, 28 seconds
notification every time someone clicks on something. It’s got the little like what is that? A line graph. He’s got all the information analytics. It was like blowing my mind how good this thing is.
45 minutes, 38 seconds
And it’s so easy. Lewis can use it for God’s sakes. Everything you need all one place. Meeting your business runs smoother. When that happens, your whole
45 minutes, 46 seconds
life is easier. If you run into trouble, Shopify’s awardwinning 247 customer service. I mean, customer service that’s winning an award. That’s crazy.
45 minutes, 54 seconds
That’s rare. Tell them how to do it.
45 minutes, 56 seconds
Can’t get them on the line. See less carts abandoned and more sales. Ching with Shopify and the shop pay button
46 minutes, 4 seconds
today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com/tuesdays. Go to shopify.com/tuesdays.
46 minutes, 12 seconds
That’s shopify.com/tuesdays.
46 minutes, 16 seconds
Get yourself some merch. Shopify. I think we have a new website. Yeah, sort of. Yeah, we’ll see you there. Buy a shirt.
46 minutes, 24 seconds
Get a mug. So, any farts. Then we go to London. London’s amazing. We took the train out to Bristol. That was crazy.
46 minutes, 31 seconds
Cute town.
46 minutes, 32 seconds
Great town. went to Ooey Burger on their recommendation. [ __ ] amazing.
46 minutes, 37 seconds
Let me tell you the great thing about Ooie Burger. Oo we e I think. Oo ye.
46 minutes, 42 seconds
It’s like a It’s like a Shake Shacky thing. Here’s what I loved about Ooie Burger and I’ll send you the photo on the menu. They have a burger that go
46 minutes, 51 seconds
that’s called I forget what it’s called but it’s just beef cheese and bun. No sauce, no pickles. It’s on the menu. And I want to move to Bristol because
46 minutes, 59 seconds
everywhere I go I got to go hi. I’m a big child. I’m a homosexual.
47 minutes, 4 seconds
Throw coffee in my face. Stick a fist in my [ __ ] I don’t want your burger sauce, right?
47 minutes, 10 seconds
Get your [ __ ] homemade burger gravy out of here. Oh, I love the gravy.
47 minutes, 14 seconds
I don’t want an onion on my burger. Beef cheese bun. That’s on the menu. BFB. Just put it on the menu.
47 minutes, 21 seconds
I That’s a good call. I like that. Beef cheese bun. This is how I feel about sushi. You don’t like sushi, do you? I had it once. I threw it up.
47 minutes, 28 seconds
I started spitting it up in the restaurant with John Fish. Ironically, I was like, “What? Oh my god.” You unc.
47 minutes, 35 seconds
But I’m cultured. I didn’t care for it.
47 minutes, 37 seconds
Sushi. They put this mayo on it. Now, this is all American horseshit. There’s like spicy mayo. There’s mayonnaise on sushi. That’s how far we’ve come. We put
47 minutes, 45 seconds
mayonnaise on sushi. It’s like [ __ ] tuna and salmon with mayo on it.
47 minutes, 52 seconds
Salmon. I mean, it’s bad news.
47 minutes, 55 seconds
Raw fish with mayo. It’s like It’s like you’re [ __ ] with me. So, you’re trying to come up with the grossest. It’s like you’re in a writer’s room. Like, what’s the grossest thing?
48 minutes, 3 seconds
And people do it. It’s It’s kind of like when ranch came on board. Everybody’s like, “I dip my pizza in ranch.” I’m like, “All right, well, I’m I’m with Iran now.
48 minutes, 10 seconds
No, no, I ranch. Uh I don’t I don’t care for I feel with Buffalo wings, like blue cheese or ranch.” I’m like, “No, buffalo
48 minutes, 19 seconds
sauce.” Ah, I don’t want to dip it. It’s already in a sauce.
48 minutes, 22 seconds
That’s true. It doesn’t make any sense to me.
48 minutes, 24 seconds
I hear you. I do like a dip. It’s like being like, “Uh, let me get a piece of pizza.” Okay, you want ketchup or uh, you know, come. I’m like, there’s
48 minutes, 33 seconds
already sauce. Why do I need another sauce? Buffalo sauce is the sauce.
48 minutes, 37 seconds
I think Americans want more. We just need more flavors and more goo. We We need ooey. What’s the deal with the double sauce?
48 minutes, 44 seconds
Yeah, you got an orange sauce. You don’t need a white sauce. Um, I like sauces. But, uh, saucy Jack.
48 minutes, 53 seconds
Ooey Burger.
48 minutes, 53 seconds
Ooey Burger is [ __ ] awesome. Isn’t that what your kid watchs on the plane? Ooey.
48 minutes, 58 seconds
Uh, no. Bluey, I got my pants are a little ooey. Uh, I don’t know.
49 minutes, 4 seconds
We’re out of gas. Um, we just started.
49 minutes, 7 seconds
But anyways, so Belfast. So after I’ve been in London, which is amaz,
49 minutes, 17 seconds
you know, you feel a connection there, of course. And then Glasgow is so cool and Edinburgh is the So then the last we’re on the end of the trip. We go up
49 minutes, 24 seconds
to Belfast. Now Belfast, it’s 400 seat theater or rock club. I’ve sold 86 tickets.
49 minutes, 32 seconds
That’s a tough market.
49 minutes, 34 seconds
I mean, I just swinging a miss up in Belf. You want to just go, hey, let’s just nip this in the bud. We’ll get out of here. Give me the guarantee.
49 minutes, 41 seconds
But I wanted to go up there. I got an obsession with the troubles. I’ve read the books and all the stuff. And so I’m like, I got to go see this place. Oh, she was something.
49 minutes, 49 seconds
So yeah, he really was. So we go up there and now it’s like we’re at that part of the trip where you’re like we’re ready. We got dirty clothes. We’ve done
49 minutes, 57 seconds
laundry three times. Our clothes are dirty again. My parents have come and gone and we’ve just It’s so much traveling.
50 minutes, 4 seconds
My son is like I want to go home. Like he’s like he misses his toys and and then you move. Every time you travel, you got to pack eight bags.
50 minutes, 11 seconds
Yes. It’s a nightmare. It’s a crazy travel cuz you got to get on the the train and you got to take them out of the hotel and walk to the train and then
50 minutes, 19 seconds
you everyone’s do you want my seat, this seat? It’s packed. You go, do we have this thing? Do you have that thing? And then he’s trying to run around traveling. It’s a lot. It’s a lot cuz you also have to go like, is this the right train gate? Is this the flight?
50 minutes, 30 seconds
Where’s our Uber? We have to check into the hotel, get to the room, get the key.
50 minutes, 34 seconds
There’s so many little steps that add up.
50 minutes, 36 seconds
It’s It’s worth it. And but your hands are full. And then he’s riding on the suitcase. Her wheel broke off at one point. You have your passport nearby, man. The wheel.
50 minutes, 44 seconds
It’s It’s a lot. And you’re like, “Do we have the diapers? We have the thing.” Then he shits his pants and then you go, “Okay, [ __ ] We got to do this bus.” Skippity pop.
50 minutes, 51 seconds
But they say it makes memories. The best inter the best experiences for a kid are trips when he’s young.
50 minutes, 56 seconds
Oh, man. It’s it it was truly the greatest. I mean, it was And I didn’t want to come home. It was [ __ ] awesome.
51 minutes, 1 second
And you’re not going to remember all that that hotel [ __ ] and the wheel and all that year.
51 minutes, 6 seconds
No, it it is it was just spectacular and the happiest time of my whole life. But you got to get through it. You go to
51 minutes, 14 seconds
Belfast. We take the train up to Belfast. Yeah.
51 minutes, 17 seconds
Which that was another funny one. We get on the train once again. We have first class, but it’s two stuffy British people, an old British couple. We get in
51 minutes, 24 seconds
there and uh Marty, and this is on me, his shoe gets stuck between the two things, and he goes, “Fuck, [ __ ] fuck.”
51 minutes, 32 seconds
And it’s just two, this is the first time he’s ever done this. And there’s just two 70-year-old British people like in first class with tea and my American
51 minutes, 40 seconds
son just goes, “Fuck, [ __ ] fuck.” Oh, that’s great.
51 minutes, 44 seconds
And the guy goes, “At least his pronunciation is nice.” And then he kind of laughed and the old lady was like just staring at us and you’re like,
51 minutes, 51 seconds
“Well, [ __ ] you, you [ __ ] bloody cunt.” Yeah, get out of here, you little [ __ ] I make a good living saying [ __ ] So, you had to be like, you know, that’s an
51 minutes, 58 seconds
adult word. I never say bad word. It’s not a bad word. It’s a grown-up word.
52 minutes, 2 seconds
But uh I mean he just laced off three wellexecuted exclamation point [ __ ] [ __ ]
52 minutes, 7 seconds
[ __ ]
52 minutes, 8 seconds
Wow. Is that is that you or is that from uh I think that’s the movies you show.
52 minutes, 12 seconds
Yeah. It’s from Good Fellas. We watch it every night. Yeah. Well, funny how.
52 minutes, 16 seconds
But um anyway, he had another great line. We’re at a restaurant and Sarah goes, “I’ll have the classic burger.” That’s what’s called in the menu. And he goes, “I’ll have a classic milk.”
52 minutes, 24 seconds
Hey, come on. Is that gold or is that gold?
52 minutes, 27 seconds
Is he trying to be funny or is that just him talking?
52 minutes, 29 seconds
I don’t think he’s trying to be funny. I think he’s just like he he wants a milk and she says classic burger. So he says classic milk.
52 minutes, 35 seconds
The kids are they copy like uh you know I break down the boxes from Amazon and I’m stepping on the boxes and then I’ll just have a a box that’s flat on the
52 minutes, 43 seconds
floor and my kid will walk up and go oh yeah on it. He doesn’t know what he’s doing but he saw somebody do it.
52 minutes, 49 seconds
Oh it’s very fun. It’s wonderful. So now we got Belfast at the end and you go okay let’s go up to Belf. You try to get it up. Here we go.
52 minutes, 59 seconds
Yeah. Belfast and you take the train all the way up there. We took a bus back, by the way, because there was no trains. It was It’s great. We did every kind of
53 minutes, 6 seconds
mode of transportation you could do. We literally were on a boat, a plane, a train, a taxi, another train, a commuter rail, scoopy boops, give taxis. So, we go up to Belfast.
53 minutes, 16 seconds
That city’s it’s tough. It is not It’s not beautiful. Sure.
53 minutes, 22 seconds
It’s not big. It’s not It’s just It’s lacking something. Well, the the the whole personality that’s weird because
53 minutes, 30 seconds
it’s Ireland, but it’s not Ireland. And it’s like there’s like soccer hooligans and junkies and they’re obsessed with Palestine.
53 minutes, 38 seconds
It’s not beautiful. It’s it’s it’s weird. It was a weird town. And I was undersold the whole time. It was one of those ones you’re like, “Oh my god,
53 minutes, 45 seconds
we’re at 89 tickets and a 400 seater.” Ah.
53 minutes, 48 seconds
Ended up getting up to like 120 or something like that. All right.
53 minutes, 51 seconds
So, you’re like, “All right, well, this was a tough one. Whatever.” I always wanted to see the city. I did my own personal walking tour of the Troubles, which is really mind-blowing.
54 minutes
It’s unbelievable because these two streets are like a half a mile apart. They still have peace walls and they still close at night.
54 minutes, 7 seconds
It’s fascinating. The whole the whole thing.
54 minutes, 10 seconds
I always say people like white vers black, men versus women, we’ll go at each other. Ireland vers Ireland, you know, like uh the Hoous and the Totsis are just two African tribes.
54 minutes, 19 seconds
Like it doesn’t matter what. We just find any difference and we’ll kill you.
54 minutes, 23 seconds
Yeah. It’s uh it’s human nature. It’s quite a thing there. So, but like I said, I’ve just done so much reading about it and
54 minutes, 31 seconds
watching stuff that it’s like I’m finally here. Yes.
54 minutes, 34 seconds
It’s like being at the Polo Grounds or something. You’re like, whoa. Uh, but anyways, so we go there and I go to do
54 minutes, 41 seconds
the show. There’s this woman named Waffa who’s very funny opening for me. Ah, Waffa House.
54 minutes, 46 seconds
This is This is also embarrassing. I thought she was Irish. She’s got a I think she’s picked up some Irish accent that she’s from
54 minutes, 54 seconds
Tunisia, but I just thought she was Irish cuz we’re in Ireland. And she goes, “Uh, I’m from Tunisia.
55 minutes
You ever hear of it?” And I go, “Never in my life.” Cuz I’m thinking it’s some Irish town.
55 minutes, 5 seconds
So she starts describing it and I’m like, “Oh, Tunisia.” And she goes, “Oh, that’s how you said it.” So I feel like a [ __ ] idiot. I’m like, “I’ve heard of Tunisia. I know about
55 minutes, 14 seconds
Tunisia. We say it different. I thought you were Irish.” So I feel like a
55 minutes, 17 seconds
[ __ ] [ __ ]
55 minutes, 17 seconds
Was he a honky?
55 minutes, 19 seconds
I mean, she’s Tunisian, so she looks white. Sure.
55 minutes, 23 seconds
But I think she’s, you know, she’s Arabic.
55 minutes, 25 seconds
I gota, but um Yeah, she looks I thought she was Irish. Got it.
55 minutes, 30 seconds
So, I guess she’s white. I don’t know. I You know, I don’t know what’s what anymore. Yeah, it’s hard to say.
55 minutes, 36 seconds
But I think she’s Arabic, but if she said, “Hi, I’m from Cleveland.” You go with it.
55 minutes, 41 seconds
I would have been, “Oh, okay. Nice to meet you.” I don’t see color.
55 minutes, 44 seconds
Um I don’t see Cleveland. My wife won’t let me.
55 minutes, 47 seconds
So, just kidding. She’s there at Hilarities June 28th. Hey, there you go. I think I’m going to go along. Is Becca opening?
55 minutes, 53 seconds
Uh, but uh I might I might do a set myself. Hey, there you go.
55 minutes, 58 seconds
But, um, anyway, so go out there. Waff is opening. She’s great. Very nice. So, I get to the the room. I’m like, “All
56 minutes, 6 seconds
right, how what do we get up to? 110 tickets. Okay, great.” Waffa comes in very kind. She’s a fan. She’s beautiful.
56 minutes, 13 seconds
Hey. All right. And then she just had a baby 3 weeks ago. She has a three-year-old son and a 3-week old daughter. Holy moly, she’s in the thick.
56 minutes, 20 seconds
So, she brings her husband shows up who couldn’t have been nicer. He is Irish or Northern Irish. She’s British. She’s British and Irish. It’s a very confusing situation.
56 minutes, 29 seconds
That’s tough.
56 minutes, 29 seconds
They all have British and Irish passports. Yeah. Very, very strange.
56 minutes, 35 seconds
I thought they hated the Brits. I guess that’s over. But they are the Brits. Wait a minute. That’s the whole thing. Got it. That’s what the whole kebab was about.
56 minutes, 43 seconds
Uh-huh. I thought about religion. Huh? Huh? It wasn’t about religion. Wasn’t Protestant and Catholic.
56 minutes, 49 seconds
They happened to be divided by Protestant and Catholics, but it wasn’t a religious war. It was about like twothirds of Northern Ireland was
56 minutes, 57 seconds
British and wanted to be remain British and then the rest of the island became Ireland. So then there was like a small pocket that’s like, “No, we should all be Ireland.” Yes. And then the other
57 minutes, 5 seconds
twothirds were like, “No, no, we’re British. [ __ ] you.” Why wouldn’t you want to be Irish? Well, I think the British they would they they came there from Scotland and England and
57 minutes, 14 seconds
they had immigrated over there and they had been colonialized the whole area and they’re like, “We’re British. We love Britain.” And that’s what it’s still
57 minutes, 21 seconds
like. You go over to the one street, you see Union Jack and [ __ ] Queen and King Charles. And then you go over two
57 minutes, 28 seconds
things and it’s like Michael Collins and Colin, you know, Mel Gibson up there. Yeah. So anyways, it’s all confusing. It’s all pipes.
57 minutes, 38 seconds
Interesting. So, he comes in and we’re chatting, blah, blah, blah. He’s very nice, nice guy. And he’s trying to tell me some stories. I can’t understand what the [ __ ] he’s saying. Baby’s in there.
57 minutes, 48 seconds
It’s great. Time for the show to start.
57 minutes, 50 seconds
So, we take an elevator down to the showroom. All right.
57 minutes, 54 seconds
So, Waffa goes on. I go to introduce her and you do the thing where you’re on the go mic. And I’m sure you do this. I learned it from Louie, but many people
58 minutes, 3 seconds
do it, of course. You go on the god mic and you go, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show.” Yeah, it’s me.
58 minutes, 8 seconds
Hey. All right, it’s Joe. He’s back there. I can hear him. And then you go, “Listen, I brought an opener and they’re great.” Whatever.
58 minutes, 16 seconds
So, I do it in Belfast. I go, “Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the [ __ ] Belf.” Hey, I’m only joking. It’s me.
58 minutes, 23 seconds
Yeah.
58 minutes, 25 seconds
Ah, nothing.
58 minutes, 27 seconds
No reaction. So, I’m doing this gag where I’m like, “Ah, I’m [ __ ] with you. It’s old Joe List.” Oh, no. Crickets.
58 minutes, 35 seconds
Ah. And I go, Joe List, I’m It’s me. I’m back here, right? Zilch. Ah, so it’s like an American show.
58 minutes, 43 seconds
It’s like the most embarrassing moment of my life.
58 minutes, 46 seconds
Cuz I’m doing a thing and they don’t know. And I go, “Do you guys know who I am?” And one guy goes, “The truth.” Oh, okay. Okay.
58 minutes, 52 seconds
And one other guy goes, “Yeah, Tuesdays.” So there’s 118 people that have never heard of me ever. I’m doing this big stick of like, I’m here.
59 minutes, 2 seconds
Oh no. Who are these randos? I think I don’t know. People that had nothing to do. It was also the Champions League final. So, it’s like the biggest
59 minutes, 9 seconds
European sports. It’s like the Super Bowl was going on. Oh, no. The timing.
59 minutes, 13 seconds
So, I go, “All right, well, [ __ ] me. I’m an idiot.” That was humiliating. Yeah. I bring out Waffa. She goes on stage. She’s doing great. I take the elevator.
59 minutes, 21 seconds
I’m going to go to the dressing room.
59 minutes, 22 seconds
So, I take the elevator back up. And before there had been a guy bringing us like an elevator attendant.
59 minutes, 28 seconds
He’s not there, but I’m like, I understand elevators. I’ll press the button. Sure. Up and down.
59 minutes, 32 seconds
Go up to the dressing room. I had to take a big [ __ ] But then her husband and the baby are in the dressing room.
59 minutes, 38 seconds
So I’m like, I can’t take a big steamy [ __ ] next to a three-week old baby. It could she could die. That’s true. The fumes.
59 minutes, 43 seconds
So I tell the guy that the runner running the shows, I go, “Hey, I got to take a [ __ ] We got an infant in there.” And he’s like, “Yeah, sorry. It’s crazy.
59 minutes, 51 seconds
They’re in there.” I’m like, “I know. It’s my own troubles.
59 minutes, 54 seconds
They’ve taken my land. I thought it belonged to me. They thought it belonged to them.” And uh so I put on a ski mask and shot him. But uh so then he’s like, “Well, I’ll tell you what. There’s a country band.
1 hour, 4 seconds
They’re on stage. You can use their bathroom.” Country was like, “What is this, America Night?
1 hour, 8 seconds
I don’t know.” So I go in there now. I’m just taking a big [ __ ] in [ __ ] uh you know, Claire Underwood’s Sure. toilet.
1 hour, 16 seconds
She was great on the roast.
1 hour, 17 seconds
And these toilets are different in Europe. So I just leave all this graffiti. It just looks like this swast stick is and [ __ ] um
1 hour, 25 seconds
toilet paper, tampons, semicolons, whatever it is. I take a big muddy [ __ ] I leave all the [ __ ] in the toilet. I feel like an [ __ ] but I
1 hour, 33 seconds
got a baby in mine. I flush, but it stays there cuz their bowls are different. The water’s like lower. Your [ __ ] lands on land.
1 hour, 40 seconds
Oh, yeah. What’s up with that? It’s not good. They haven’t figured that out yet.
1 hour, 44 seconds
Well, they’re a little silly. They had other stuff going on, I guess. So, so then I go, “All right, well, he’s in the green room. The baby’s sleeping in
1 hour, 52 seconds
there. I don’t want to sleep with a baby.
1 hour, 56 seconds
Toddler, maybe.” Sure.
1 hour, 57 seconds
So, I got in the elevator. And I go, I’m going back downstairs. I hit one on the thing. It says stage left. I take it down. Now I’m in the elevator. Uh-oh.
1 hour, 1 minute, 4 seconds
I’m just looking at my phone, picking my nose. Elevator door opens. I’m on stage. Whoa. What kind of elevator is this?
1 hour, 1 minute, 11 seconds
Because they do 0123.
1 hour, 1 minute, 14 seconds
Ah, the floors. And it says stage left, but I didn’t. Earlier I had been stage left, but down a little flight of stairs.
1 hour, 1 minute, 22 seconds
Got it.
1 hour, 1 minute, 23 seconds
So I saw stage left. I was like, “Oh, that’ll take me to where I was.” So you’re out with Waffa now.
1 hour, 1 minute, 28 seconds
The the elevator door opens. There’s 180 people. They’re all sitting in the front because it’s a 400 seat theater. So I’m literally I got my thumb in my nose. I
1 hour, 1 minute, 35 seconds
got a heart on and I’m looking at child porn.
1 hour, 1 minute, 39 seconds
The door opens and I started walking off. I go like Kramer. I just off the stage with her.
1 hour, 1 minute, 46 seconds
Did Waffa think this is some American gag?
1 hour, 1 minute, 48 seconds
No, she’s in like an actout. She’s like bent over going, “Boy, it’s so crazy.” And I go, “Jesus.” So I jump back on the elevator. They’re looking at me. I press the button as fast as I can, but I miss.
1 hour, 1 minute, 58 seconds
I hit the bell. It goes, “The alarm has been called. Please stay still. Help is on the way. Help is on
1 hour, 2 minutes, 6 seconds
the way.” And I’m going, “Ah.” So, the door stuck open. So, now I’m leaning in the corner, trying to stay out of visual. And I can
1 hour, 2 minutes, 13 seconds
see the one, two’s gay, and three actual gays all going looking at me. The alarm’s going off in the thing. Finally, I get the doors to
1 hour, 2 minutes, 21 seconds
close. It was just a [ __ ] comedy of errors. Oh, that’s crazy.
1 hour, 2 minutes, 25 seconds
So then uh the show ended up being great. They were very nice. Okay.
1 hour, 2 minutes, 28 seconds
And there was more than a three. There was like maybe 10 fans or something like that. One guy 45 minutes in goes, “Tell some stories.” I’m like, “I’ve been
1 hour, 2 minutes, 35 seconds
doing that for 45 minutes.” That’s the weirdest thing. I get that all the time.
1 hour, 2 minutes, 38 seconds
And then uh then another guy’s chair broke, which was fun. Big heavy guy. His chair just went and then a guy gave me a Seinfeld PEZ dispenser bobblehead or
1 hour, 2 minutes, 48 seconds
whatever you call those things. Pop bird.
1 hour, 2 minutes, 50 seconds
Yeah. He’s holding the Pez, but it’s like that pop art. What do they call those things? The big head things. That guy right there. Mascot. Yeah, bobblehead.
1 hour, 2 minutes, 57 seconds
Not a bobble. No, not a bobblehead.
1 hour, 2 minutes, 59 seconds
Oh, it’s called pop art, I think. Oh, yeah. It’s a Funko Pop.
1 hour, 3 minutes, 4 seconds
Yeah, that is what those are. Where? Of you guys. On the shelf. Oh, on the sh Oh, there. There. Okay.
1 hour, 3 minutes, 11 seconds
Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Exactly. It’s one of those. Sorry, I’m looking at the bobbleheads over here. Got it.
1 hour, 3 minutes, 15 seconds
Um, so he gave me one of those which was very sweet. So, it ended up being great.
1 hour, 3 minutes, 18 seconds
Waffa was great and uh yeah, just a lot of fun. But man, I was we were we were ready to get back to Dublin, I’ll tell you that.
1 hour, 3 minutes, 26 seconds
Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. Belfast. Not a lot going on. And I I bombed horribly there. That was a tough show. I had a guy he was I was bombing so hard he
1 hour, 3 minutes, 34 seconds
went, “Look, look, I’d rather watch Tik Tok.” And he just showed me his phone and I was like, “Ah, thanks, asshole.” And they they some guy yelled at him and
1 hour, 3 minutes, 42 seconds
they got into a fist fight on the balcony. I was like, “Oh, this is a great show.” Oh, wow. Yeah.
1 hour, 3 minutes, 46 seconds
Yeah. It’s a very very strange place because it’s like I said it’s Ireland but it’s not I some guy wrote to me he’s like you summed it all up better than
1 hour, 3 minutes, 55 seconds
anyone when you said I have no idea what this place is I was like what what is this what is it very strange
1 hour, 4 minutes, 2 seconds
and it feels so far I don’t know if you ever been Australia but they have all these town Melbourne Sydney Adelaide then you go to Perth
1 hour, 4 minutes, 10 seconds
Perth is on the other side of the island and it just feels weird and isolated and different. It’s like going to Puerto Rico or something, right? Then we took the bus back. Oh,
1 hour, 4 minutes, 18 seconds
and then this was great. We got on the bus and it’s one of these systems where I don’t know why everywhere doesn’t have
1 hour, 4 minutes, 24 seconds
like the bank line that allows you to line up like places where it’s like choose your own seat have the little bank line situation so you can decide when you’re in line.
1 hour, 4 minutes, 36 seconds
This is like we’re taking the bus and it’s just, you know, 85 people just standing in a circle. Yeah.
1 hour, 4 minutes, 42 seconds
And there’s no Okay. We’re gonna Oh, man. two notes.
1 hour, 4 minutes, 47 seconds
We’re going to start boarding now. It’s just the bus driver just goes through the window. So, everyone rushes.
1 hour, 4 minutes, 53 seconds
We got We got eight bags. We’re like, “Oh, [ __ ] We got to grab the thing and this other thing.” So, we’re getting on last. We’re like the last three on. You look like an ice agent.
1 hour, 5 minutes
So, we get in, there’s three seats in the back of I’m like, “We’re not going to be able to sit together. It’s gonna be crazy. And Marty doesn’t have a ticket. He’s going to sit on my lap for a two-hour bus ride.” Yeah.
1 hour, 5 minutes, 8 seconds
We get all the way to the back and there’s this IRA looking guy. He’s got rosary beads tattooed on his he has a
1 hour, 5 minutes, 16 seconds
face tattoo, shaved head, tracksuit.
1 hour, 5 minutes, 20 seconds
He looks like the bad guy in every Boston movie. Yes. Yes.
1 hour, 5 minutes, 23 seconds
And uh he goes, “You watch us sit in the back trying to take the thing?” Yeah.
1 hour, 5 minutes, 28 seconds
And I He gives me the gives us the threesome next to the toy. You can’t judge.
1 hour, 5 minutes, 32 seconds
And his seat in the right in front of us is the only seat with no window cuz it’s like a decal on the side. So he takes the no view, gives us the three seats. I
1 hour, 5 minutes, 40 seconds
wanted to blow this guy and buy him a, you know, a Guinness or whatever because it was the only section with three seats. I’m like, if we went on first,
1 hour, 5 minutes, 48 seconds
this is the exact seats I would have taken.
1 hour, 5 minutes, 50 seconds
Hey, so it worked out great. Marty slept and uh Yeah, that guy’s a good man.
1 hour, 5 minutes, 56 seconds
Yeah, I will say I’ve been to Ireland a couple times. The Uber ride from the the airport to the hotel, the guy was so funny. There’s such funny people in
1 hour, 6 minutes, 4 seconds
Ireland. He was so he was on he was zinging. He was zagging. And you get intimidated. You’re like, “What am I doing here? This guy’s funnier than me and I’m the show. Then the heckles were
1 hour, 6 minutes, 12 seconds
great, right?
1 hour, 6 minutes, 13 seconds
You do Vicker Street, the heckles are unbelievable and everybody’s funny. And also, did you get heckled at all? I couldn’t understand him.
1 hour, 6 minutes, 22 seconds
Oh, yeah.
1 hour, 6 minutes, 23 seconds
You get the guy in Scotland was like, you’re like, “Ah, [ __ ] I don’t know what to do here.” Right. No, some guy was like, “Do some
1 hour, 6 minutes, 30 seconds
crowd work.” And then I was like, “All right.” I go, “Sir, where you from?” The guy was like, and I was like, “I don’t know what the [ __ ] this guy’s talking about.” I know. They said our curry was there.
1 hour, 6 minutes, 39 seconds
He’s like, “Hey, what’s your deal?” And the guy was like, “Kariba.” And he’s like, “All right, how about you?” And he said it was 45 minutes of me going, “Huh? What?” It’s like Vinnie Brand.
1 hour, 6 minutes, 48 seconds
Yeah. Exactly. Exactly.
1 hour, 6 minutes, 50 seconds
No, Dublin. Dublin’s the best. I [ __ ] I love Dublin. And uh we took a train down to Bray, which is like a coastal town,
1 hour, 6 minutes, 58 seconds
which was also awesome. The train goes right across the Irish Sea, which has sharks in it, which is crazy. Wow. Irish.
1 hour, 7 minutes, 5 seconds
Sharks in Ireland. Yeah, that’s great. a little red beard kind of fun drunk but uh yeah it it was just the greatest and uh I don’t know I don’t want to hog
1 hour, 7 minutes, 13 seconds
too much no did let me ask you did you get any American uh friction what do you mean you know anybody like look at this
1 hour, 7 minutes, 20 seconds
[ __ ] uh Yankee [ __ ] over here oh no not really nobody gives a [ __ ]
1 hour, 7 minutes, 25 seconds
well at one point I was like on stage in Dublin I was like you guys should move to America it’s fun everyone was like boo [ __ ] you why would we do that [ __ ]
1 hour, 7 minutes, 33 seconds
which Dublin is crazy expensive I didn’t know that it’s like equivalent of LA. What?
1 hour, 7 minutes, 38 seconds
Yeah. Yeah. And they have like a housing problem because I think it’s old uh what do you call that where you can’t build stuff? Zoning laws, I think.
1 hour, 7 minutes, 46 seconds
But uh and then I think immigration. So that’s it’s it’s very expensive there, which I always thought like Dublin was like, I’ll move to Dublin, save some money.
1 hour, 7 minutes, 53 seconds
Did you get any uh hey, [ __ ] Trump blah blah blah. I’m like I didn’t vote for the guys. Don’t yell at me. Right. No. No. I got a lot of that New Zealand.
1 hour, 8 minutes, 1 second
No, nobody brought it up, I don’t think. But I I think it’s you know, it’s there.
1 hour, 8 minutes, 6 seconds
All right. All right. Well, what a hell of a trip. Scotland Scotland was the winner, it sounds like.
1 hour, 8 minutes, 11 seconds
No, I mean, it was all it was all awesome. I mean, I got more stories, but I don’t know. It was all fantastic. The
1 hour, 8 minutes, 18 seconds
the last day was like the the first and last day were the two best cuz we got Sunday. We got back to Dublin, and we went to Odonahu, which is my favorite pub of all time, and they have m Sunday.
1 hour, 8 minutes, 29 seconds
They have music all day. Oh, I love that.
1 hour, 8 minutes, 31 seconds
So, we went in and Marty was a hit. They just love him. They let him strum the guitar which was so fun. I got video of him playing. The guy was playing chords while Marty was playing guitar and uh we
1 hour, 8 minutes, 40 seconds
sang along. We did Dirty Old Town and Whiskey in the Jar. It was just [ __ ] perfect. Then we went to St. Steven’s Green. It was a perfect day. We were
1 hour, 8 minutes, 48 seconds
kicking the ball around. We went to the playground and it was one of those ones where the first and last day of a trip always feels so good because the first day
1 hour, 8 minutes, 56 seconds
you’ve arrived. You’re like, “Here we go.” And the last day you’re like, “We did it. We’re going home tomorrow. It’s done.” And you just feel so proud of yourself.
1 hour, 9 minutes, 4 seconds
Yes.
1 hour, 9 minutes, 4 seconds
And the weather was perfect. And I just really [ __ ] love uh Dublin. And And my kid is just the best travel. He’s
1 hour, 9 minutes, 13 seconds
like truly a great travel. He just goes with the flow and he just he doesn’t have like breakdowns or anything like
1 hour, 9 minutes, 22 seconds
that. He’s just uh he’s just like an angel. He just goes with it. It’s it’s it’s it’s amazing.
1 hour, 9 minutes, 27 seconds
I gotta I watched all the videos that Sarah posted. It just it makes you want to travel. You’re like cuz she cut it so well. Like, oh, you’re by the fountain.
1 hour, 9 minutes, 34 seconds
Oh, you’re at the playground. Oh, you’re in the castle. Oh, you’re at the bar. I was like, man, this looks great.
1 hour, 9 minutes, 38 seconds
Yeah, it was incredible. And also, you’re just so removed from all the stuff and I’m not on social media.
1 hour, 9 minutes, 46 seconds
So, and then there I’m like, we’re not watching any news or anything. Beautiful.
1 hour, 9 minutes, 51 seconds
And you’re not even bumping into anyone that’s like, oh my god, did you see my cousin took a [ __ ] in the ice cream at 57 flavors? had to get away.
1 hour, 9 minutes, 59 seconds
It It was just perfect. And then because we had the boy, all you’re doing is like sightseeing and taking care of a kid and
1 hour, 10 minutes, 7 seconds
um I I didn’t want to come back. It was [ __ ] phenomenal.
1 hour, 10 minutes, 10 seconds
Well, the good thing about traveling, not to get too queefy, but it makes you at the end of the the trip, you’re like, “Ah, I miss uh this about my apartment.
1 hour, 10 minutes, 18 seconds
I miss this about my bed. I miss this about New York. I miss this about my friends.” So then you go, “I love where I live. I love my life. I love comedy. I
1 hour, 10 minutes, 25 seconds
love this and that.” So then you get to come back to that even though you get [ __ ] at JFK. Yeah.
1 hour, 10 minutes, 29 seconds
You get to come back to it makes you miss your life again.
1 hour, 10 minutes, 33 seconds
Yeah. That was I mean the first thing I did was after we got home after three-hour commute home I [ __ ] went straight to Chipotle. I was like give me all the hot sauce.
1 hour, 10 minutes, 41 seconds
I’ve been eating fish and chips and burgers and fries and [ __ ] beef stew for two and a half weeks straight. Give
1 hour, 10 minutes, 50 seconds
me a hot I haven’t I haven’t touched anything of any heat.
1 hour, 10 minutes, 53 seconds
Yes. Give me a Chipotle. A black guy and a and a smoothie.
1 hour, 10 minutes, 58 seconds
Yeah, it was [ __ ] It was great. It was great to be home and uh Yeah, I go to Boston a day. Do you?
1 hour, 11 minutes, 6 seconds
Yeah. Well, for it’s my nephew’s uh whatever the [ __ ] graduation you going right back to the the motherland, which is crazy that the history of the
1 hour, 11 minutes, 14 seconds
show like my my nephew was like four years old when this show started. Now, just graduate high school. Strange.
1 hour, 11 minutes, 22 seconds
Whoa. This show? Yeah. Oh my god. That’s cuckoo.
1 hour, 11 minutes, 26 seconds
Or whatever. I mean, I don’t know. How long are we doing the show? 2013. If they’re doing the show for 13 years.
1 hour, 11 minutes, 30 seconds
Oh, you when you put it with the high school, that’s insanity.
1 hour, 11 minutes, 34 seconds
Yeah. I mean, our kid is old enough. I mean, our if our show was a person, they’d be old enough to [ __ ] Oh, that’s hot. That’s crazy.
1 hour, 11 minutes, 42 seconds
Jesus Christ. That is banana. Well, we got to wrap this up. Yeah. Yeah.
1 hour, 11 minutes, 46 seconds
We got to do a bonus. And I I got a I got a question for you in the bonus, but I’m going to save it.
1 hour, 11 minutes, 50 seconds
All right. Great. Save it up. Uh what when what day is this? What day are we in? Uh June 15th. Oh, okay. Uh this week I’m in Calgary.
1 hour, 11 minutes, 59 seconds
Last I was supposed to be in Pittsburgh.
1 hour, 12 minutes, 1 second
They double books and now I’m going to Calgary, which by the way, I put off buying the ticket. $1,600 for main cabin to go to Calgary.
1 hour, 12 minutes, 8 seconds
Oh, it’s a I will say it’s a great comedy town.
1 hour, 12 minutes, 11 seconds
Trump’s America, baby. 1,600 bucks with layovers.
1 hour, 12 minutes, 15 seconds
Oh, that’s not No bells, no whistles. This isn’t This isn’t I bought a first class ticket. $1,600 for just main cabin layovers to Calgary.
1 hour, 12 minutes, 26 seconds
Where is that? That’s on the west side, right?
1 hour, 12 minutes, 28 seconds
The west side. Like it’s [ __ ] LA. Uh it’s uh west side of Canada. Yeah, it’s like above North Dakota. Yeah. All right. All right.
1 hour, 12 minutes, 36 seconds
Yeah. Not not coast, but it’s pretty far.
1 hour, 12 minutes, 38 seconds
That’s a [ __ ] Um anyways, so I’ll be in Calgary this weekend. Check it out.
1 hour, 12 minutes, 43 seconds
uh whatever that room is. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and then uh Portland, Maine, July 2nd, and 3rd. We added a third show.
1 hour, 12 minutes, 52 seconds
Hell yeah.
1 hour, 12 minutes, 52 seconds
Those ones sold out quick. So, we might add a fourth show. Um and then go see Sarah at Hilarities. Uh I might pop in June 28th. That’s a Sunday night.
1 hour, 13 minutes, 3 seconds
If you’re in Cleveland, that’ll be fun. I’ll be there.
1 hour, 13 minutes, 6 seconds
And then I forget where the [ __ ] I am in July. Uh I’m looking at you like maybe you know, but I don’t think you know.
1 hour, 13 minutes, 12 seconds
I don’t know. Anyways, um yeah, go go go to punchuplive.com and the Skankfest doc is really coming along. It’s crazy.
1 hour, 13 minutes, 20 seconds
Oh, hell yeah. You got a We thinking about a date, the ballpark. What premieres at the festival?
1 hour, 13 minutes, 25 seconds
Oh, great. I’ll watch it there. All right. I will be in Sorry, I forgot. Was this July? You said June 15th.
1 hour, 13 minutes, 33 seconds
Oh, great. That’s around the corn. Uh I’ll be in the Tempe Improv. Love Tempe.
1 hour, 13 minutes, 39 seconds
We added a show. That’s a fun club. Fun town. Mark Ridley’s Comedy Castle in Detroit area. Then Cleveland, Ohio as
1 hour, 13 minutes, 47 seconds
well. Awkward. Emerald City Comedy Club in Seattle, which I hear is great. I’ve never been. Pumped to do it. Tampa,
1 hour, 13 minutes, 54 seconds
Florida side. Split bringing the kid Cobs and SF Improv in Houston. Zanies in
1 hour, 14 minutes, 1 second
Nashville, the Pittsburgh Improv, and I’m coming out to East Hampton to do uh I forgot the name of the place, but it’s a cool venue. Give it a go. It’s on my
1 hour, 14 minutes, 10 seconds
website. East Hampton going uh going there for the summer. What do you got there? Choo choo train.
1 hour, 14 minutes, 16 seconds
Check out my podcast, Funbearable. And uh you know, we’re still working on this very special film project. Uh oh.
1 hour, 14 minutes, 22 seconds
So, if you’re interested in uh financially contributing, it’s uh it’s going to be really fun. It’s kind of a secret for now, but hit me up in the DMs
1 hour, 14 minutes, 30 seconds
at Discount Chuck. Oh, I hate I said hit me up in the DMs. Discount Chuck. You like And then or email me at
1 hour, 14 minutes, 37 seconds
funbearablepot@gmail.com and I’ll fill you in. Uh, a lot of Tuesdays are becoming part of this and I really appreciate it and uh, yeah, write me.
1 hour, 14 minutes, 46 seconds
All right. Praise Allah. Weef it up. You’re uh, you’re all over the place. Get on the Patreon. Yeah, absolutely.
1 hour, 14 minutes, 53 seconds
I’m gay. Choose killed Jesus. And uh, we’ll see you in hell and and he was Jesus. Juice us.
1 hour, 15 minutes, 3 seconds
Choose us. All right. Choosey, moms. Choose us. Take a nap. See you.
1 hour, 15 minutes, 9 seconds
Up in the heavens when legends cry, hopelessly watching the music.
1 hour, 15 minutes, 19 seconds
Please believe.
Sync to video time